i have an unhealthy obsession with mumford and sons..
that is all.

i think you taught me a lot i didn't know about myself.
you taught me to be strong, because i didn't know otherwise. you held me up when i wasn't.
i don't think i made any mistakes, because it all happens for a reason.
i don't regret anything. because regrets are stupid.
we'll all be okay one day, just not today.

i'm considering not blogging on here anymore. i feel like no one really reads it anyways. if anyone is in protest, i guess let me know. but i just kinda feel like no one cares about this.

At the beginning of the summer I said it was going to be the best summer of my life. Obviously, due to the death of 3 important people in my life, the outcome was somewhat hindered. But minus that. I swear it happened. Some of the most amazing people became key players in getting me through the day and they still are. I thank God for those people everyday. I should thank the people, too. I think I will.
I don't understand a lot of this summer but I know for a fact it all happened for a reason <3

time for a rant.

i already had to say a college goodbye. this is the first in a string of four i'm not looking forward to. these people have held me up this summer when i was falling. i love them with everything i have. i want them to know this.
this wake up call sucks. you're leaving in 13 days. you're leaving me. you promised you wouldn't. i know you can't stay forever, but just a year longer. i need you. i need you. i need you. i'm honestly not sure how i'm gonna do it. but i've done more difficult things. i'll get through it. and you will too.
i miss my best friends. nat, come back.
i'm working on building back my relationship with God. this summer made me question a lot of things. i know he's there. and i know everything happens for a reason. i know that. but when your friend, great grandmother, and mom all die within two weeks, you have to wonder what God's thinking. i know that i'm getting through it. but i'm not sure i've really tried to cope that much, i don't know if i even think about it that much. but there's random moments where it hurts so much.
i'm ready for normalcy. as much as i hate going back to school. it brings back a schedule.
i wish going to school for some people didn't mean going two hours away. i wish you'd just stay.
i need some help. i really think i do.

i know more about you than anyone should.
i love you more than anyone ever could.

a month.

its been a month.
it's kinda hard to believe actually.
but i'm living day by day.
i get by with a little help from my friends.

half the time i just want to scream "THIS IS NOT THE WORST THING THAT COULD BE HAPPENING TO YOU."
i understand that your boyfriend breaking up with you is hard.
i understand getting in a fight with your parents is hard.
but i guess i've just had to grow up a lot faster than those around me. and someday, you'll know that there are worse things in life. and you'll understand where i'm coming from.
i don't say this to sound superior to anyone, i don't say it to offend anyone, and it is not said to any person specifically. it's just obnoxious to me, and you probably can't understand it.

walking into my parents closet now makes me cry, because every piece of my mom's clothing is gone. 20 trips up and down the stairs and its all gone.
gone.

someday, i'm going to regret not taking any of it.
its starting to hurt, her being gone.
i'm sick of people "understanding" i don't want to be told how to grieve. i will do it my own way, and i will get through it.

i have thoughts constantly roaming around in my head. thoughts that make no sense at all. i guess thats what stress and... complicatedness do to a person.
i watched that show if you really knew me, i wish that would happen in real life.
i feel like no one knows me, not in the least. i'm this whole different person in my head. or maybe i'm not, maybe it IS just all in my head. i do realize i make no sense, and i ramble a lot.
but i have no desire to be just like anyone else in the entire world. i'm sick of people telling me who i am, or what i should be. because i'm not, i'll form what i'd like to be, thanks.
i want something to be normal in my life. something to be constant all the freaking time. because i have nothing like that in my life. except God of course, but i don't give that near the time i should and i'm too focused on what's going on here. which is obviously important, but not as important as that. i feel like i'm slowly losing it.
2 days. i feel like i'm going to regain some sanity in 2 days. my phone hardly ever rings, nobody has the desire to text when they're on trips apparently, or just.. can't i guess. but i'm here in concord. and it kind of sucks, no one in concord texts me either, i feel like when my mom died EVERY one wanted to hang out with me, but now its like. oh, lets make no effort whatsoever to make that happen since that's blown over. i feel awful for saying stuff like that. i feel like an awful person half the time. people tell me what a good person i'm turning out to be and how my mom would be SO proud, but i don't feel like i'm that good. i don't feel like i'm making anyone proud. at least no one here. i feel like everything i do is just another burden to add to the pile of "to do." i want to make someone proud someday.
someday i'm going to be the person i wish to be. someday.

i wish consideration of me was taken.

being around here just sucks.
i understand that there's things i must do, but most of them, i have no desire to do. being stuck in this house is complete suckage. i just want to get out of here. anywhere, i don't care.

i miss you more than possibly imagined. even if i don't talk about it. God, i miss you. I feel like you brought sanity. I'm not sane right now.
I feel like i have every right to complain right now, yet i feel whiny. I really just want to have a good cry.
It doesn't help that my three best friends are places that are not here. i need people to help me. the people that help the most can't be here. i'm ready to go to texas, its escaping here.
i want to go to ccc so incredibly badly. U. G. H.

dear things, get better, now.

yes chase coy, yes.

Take me away to january I'm done with this year I tired of everyone here
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home

There's gotta be something else out there for me, I can feel it in my heart the day I started to dream.
There's more than this midwestern town
I can't let this place keep me down
So I tell myself...
There's a girl out on the coast of california, there's a world out there and it's waiting for you and I can hear them calling my name tonight...

Take me away I need the sand and the waves, the sunset, and lets not forget those warm autum days. I just need to get out of here... and vist the coast just to see her.

There's gotta be something else out there for me, I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream. there's more than this midwestern town. I can't let this place keep me down.
So I tell myself...
There's a girl out on the coast of california there's a world out there and it's waiting for you. and I can hear it calling my name tonight...

Well there's a girl out on the coast of california there's a world out there and it's waiting for you, and I can hear it calling my name tonight...

Take me away to january, I'm done with this year. I'm tired of everyone here. I just need sometime alone before I'm ready to come back home...


i love these lyrics, you know, minus the being in love with a girl part. but still, love.

i swear its gotta be easier than this.

2 days.

i'll be 15. love my life.
i won't see josh for three weeks. possibly four. not fun.
this summer has basically sucked so far.
minus the beach. i hope my birthday can make it a little better. i want that to be here right about now.
i also want to get a new camera right about now and i really hope i get enough money to buy one. or you know, someone just buys me one, that would be cool.
melting pot tomorrowww. YUM.
house of teipei on my actual birthday. i'm gonna gain weight this weekend, haha.
yesterday i almost had a panic attack. everything i think about makes me so stressed.
i don't even want to think about school starting. its making me not a happy camper.
i really want to go to ccc, i want to do as much youth stuff as possible. but stupid ccc was full. and i have to go to texas, but i am really excited about that. i love going down there. they have a cool mall. and my cousins are adorable. that too. hahaha.
natalie's coming today. i love that i'm gonna see her twice this summer, i hope that i can keep that up. because she's kinda basically my best friend and she lives 2 hours from me, which sucks, but it's reality.
i like to blog. i only do it for myself. i could really care less who reads it.

who knew you could feel so many things about one thing at one time.
i'm so confused with how i feel.
i don't know what i want, or when i want.
maybe its better that way, i'm not sure.
i just want answers. that would make things better for me.
i'm wondering why i started this in the first place.
on the brightside, natalie beshears tomorrow< 3
birthday sunday.
i love getting birthday cards. but it makes me want to open them right as i get them.
i got a new bed.
i like it a lot. its big.
i want you to text me back. i want to make plans.
i love to be with you. its all i want.
7 days. i hate this. it doesn't make sense, but in other senses it makes nothing but sense.
i don't know. i'm just all messed up.

all i wanted out of this summer was to be happy.
i think that aside from things going... not the way they were supposed to. i've achieved this.
i am happy. with most things. with a few things. with one thing (:

i love you more than i ever thought i could.

i can't stop all of the madness.

little things make me happy.
i'm getting my permit monday, that makes me happy.
pictures make me happy.
getting paid makes me happy.
sweet text messages make me happy.
eating endless amounts of cookie dough make me happy.
my house being so empty doesn't make me happy.
the chair at the end of the table being empty doesn't make me happy.
not having a shoulder to cry on makes me unhappy.
your ashes sitting on the coffee table make me unhappy.
but your looking down at me. knowing that i'm okay, and i'll be okay. some day.
i will be happy.

i miss everything about you.
and you're never coming back.
this is what hurts the most.

the things i like about the beach.

sunburn.
reading books all the time.
henna tattoos.
pictures.
where's the cat.
texting til 3 am.
driving an hour to myrtle, just to walk around.
random boys walking up to me to say "hi."
random boys getting in my face and doing weird dances.
walking up to house of blues, just to find it closed.
good music. windows down.
i have pooh on my tummy.
LINDSEY LOVES JESUS.
cory doing my tat.
walking around the beach with my shirt up because of my tat, looking like a trashy hoe.
finishing 2 books.
relaxing.
freedom.
< 3

beach, i'll be back soon< 3

people keep leaving.

don't leave me. ever.

some people's stupidity brings me humor (:

free as we'll ever be.

i don't know if i can handle another good bye.
i'm actually quite certain it wouldn't be good for my health. i'm sick and tired of goodbyes, especially the ones i never expected.
i have this plan.
i'm going to create 3 extra weeks, no one else knows about them. i'm getting my 3 weeks of summer back, and i'm having the most fun i've ever had. i'll invite certain people into my 3 weeks, but just the ones i want to spend time with. and distance won't mean a thing in my 3 weeks, if we want to be somewhere, we're there. and thats the way its going to be.
unfortunately, i can't create time.
but if i could. this would be the thing.
we'd hold hands. lay under the stars. and be happy.
thats really the only thing i want out of my summer.

only you can love me this way < 3

only you can love me this way < 3

i think that its slowly but surely going to get better.
you are constantly on my mind, and you're never far behind.
we're cleaning out different stuff, sending stuff back. in some ways i feel like it's too soon, but then again, when the heck are we supposed to do it?
i want to be at the lake.
i want a tan.
i want a lot of money, just to spend.
my birthday would be nice right about now, 17 more days.
for one birthday, i want all of my close friends to be here. JUST ONCE.
i think england in the fall is going to be super nice and awesome, i cannot wait. its going to be a good trip in memory of my mom.that was one thing she wanted to do really bad.
its going to be really weird traveling now, just me, meredith and my dad. 3 is such an awkward number, 4 seems so right. like, now whos supposed to sit with me on the roller coaster when meredith doesn't want to go? whos supposed to stay at home when we're sick? where are we supposed to go when dad has to travel?
i guess these are all logistics we have to figure out as time goes on.
i'm not ready for things to change with people. some of the most important people, but i know its gotta happen whether they want to admit that it has to or not, i'm just plain not ready, why does it have to happen.

natalie beshears is beside me.
two years and being reunited. love.
<3

recovery time.

my mom used to read this blog.
i'm not even quite sure about how i feel about her being gone now. it hasn't COMPLETELY hit me yet. but life doesn't stop, it never does, not for anyone or anything. i'm still going to go to school, go to college, get married, have kids, live life.
the future has always scared me, but now more than ever. its the fact that i have to do it all without her.
but in a way, its good. i have a different motivation for stuff. i know that now, i'm doing stuff for her, not for me, or anyone else for that matter, just her and God.
because they're sitting up in heaven smiling at me. and i know it <3

its just not fair.

i feel like we're preparing for my mom to die.
i want to silently cling to the hope she's going to be okay, but i feel like she isn't.

i can no longer do this.
i'm letting go of my emotions. crying.
i don't know how i'm going to get through this.

if you care enough about me to read my ramblings on here, its pretty safe to say i love you.
<3

great grandmother died.
mom had an episode.
when is this EVER going to get better?

you told me something i never expected.
and it gave me hope.
<3

tomorrow is fathers day.
i don't think i always realize how much i love my dad.
he does like, everything for me.
and i'm appreciative.
he's been so strong with my mom and everything, i don't know how he does it.
he's gotten no sleep in the last week and he's still concerned about me.
he's such a good man. i love him.

i.
need.
to.
remember.
how.
to.
believe.
in.
you.

mom's getting a little better.
the funeral settled things for me yesterday, now i can accept she's gone.
now i just hope everything will stay calm for a good while.
that, is what i need the most.

i need something to get my mind off of all of it.
i need this summer to be like summer.

like sunshine burning at night, making my life something so beautiful.

like the new title of this blog, i am taking things one day at a time.

i'm praying a lot. hoping that things are going to get better.
i finally fixed things with a few people this weekend. thats going to make things less stressful.
i feel like after this weekend holding grudges is stupid.
what if they die next week? how are you going to feel then?
tell people you love them while you can<3

do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you if there's a god who loves you?

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see


Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

she's gone.

this weekend. i can't even begin to explain.

four o clock. text message. "is kelly campbell dead?"
i didn't know how to answer, because i didn't know. time went on and things began to get more obvious that she really was gone. i've cried the past 24 hours.
we're all a mess. things aren't getting better.
God had to have had a reason for this. i was already struggling and then this.
i'm not sure how we're all going to get through this, but we are.
we're all going to be okay... someday.

r.i.p. kelly, i loved you so much.

it was an extremely long night, but its over, and i feel loved because of the people i was surrounded by.

probably no beach now.
families all coming here.
...its going to be a long weekend.

this should'nt be this complex.
why is this so complex.


everything is so complex.
beach. 2 days.
the living is easy at the beach.
i wish i could go alone, i need to escape all of this crap.
i just need to get out.

i find it astounding that i give up a good bit just to be your friend, and we haven't spoken in a month.
somehow this strikes me as not okay.
the least you could do is give me a reason.
i'm really trying to make things okay with a lot of people for a number of reaons.

mostly because:

tomorrow. isn't. promised.

i changed the way my blog looked, finally, its summer, i thought it might have been time for a change.

summer

two days and its been uneventful thus far.
i'm waiting for summer fun to begin!

...igottahaircutthough.

ignore the fact i look so sketchy, its been a long day.

sometimes i wish it was easy for things to be okay again, but i'm so used to things being not okay, i don't know what going back would do to me.
i'm finding ways to be happy amidst the chaos.
holding hands downtown is good.
school being over is good.
being able to sleep in is great.
blogging for the first time in ever is good.
the beach in 4 days? definitely good.
i'm excited to have a sleepover with jennie on friday, i need to catch up with her.
i just want a donut.
i'm excited at the prospect of a tan, i don't want to get like, mexican, but a tan none the less.
i want to know my french exam grade, but as a result of school skippin, i won't find out for awhile.

i want to get out of here. by myself. and just have a little bit of time where i'm away from everysingle thing that is here.

doing "goodbyes" for the seniors on sunday was really sad. i love all of them, and them being gone is just going to feel like something so big is missing. they say things aren't going to change, but in my heart, i know they will.

thats all the ranting i feel like doing.

in my lifetime i will:

slow dance with someone on the beach.
take an epic picture that anyone can appreciate.
get a tan.
be happy.
have a job that makes me legitimately happy.
fix things with you, because the end of our friendship brought me more pain than anything.
you know, more and more every day i realize it was a mutual fault, but to me, i don't think it changes anything.
i will have a stable friendship in my life. i will.

i'm not sure who i am.
or where i'm going.
but i'm getting there.

to be honest, I'm not really sure what's going on on my life right now.
my friends are different daily.
I'm often not sure of why Im doing wrong, and I wish someone would just tell me. there are some people who I can't imagine not in my life who are mad at me fr reasons unknown to me.
but I'm starting to know that I have to be thankful fr what I have. whether it be material things, or friends or whatever else.
I'm adjusting to who I've become. and I hope I haven't changed for the worse. but who I've become, I can honestly say I like her more.
I'm more of a me who doesn't care what others think, I'm doing what I need to do for myself, even if the consequences hurt me.

tech week is this week. it's going to be extremely stressful, but I'm ready. deadly weapons is going to be good. I can feel it (:

things are going decently.
i'm thinking about changing up the old blog layout soon. hmm. not sure.
my computer spazzes out a lot.
i don't think this is normal.
i'm really excited about cheer.
its gonna be an awesome summer, and a good year (:

girl drama.

it makes teenage life spin round.
but all of it is so pointless.
why the heck does it matter If I hang out with your ex-boyfriend? especially if we're just friends.
I'm tired of letting girl drama dominte my life. I try just as hard as I possibly can to avoid it.
it's only 5 months into the year and I've lost a friend. maybe two or three. it's starting to effect me in ways I cannot describe.
I can't stop crying. this is all so familiar.
it needs to be a far off place I can forget.
I can't do this anymore.

I can't remember the last time I was this happy.
I'm so at peace with my life.
everything has settled down, now all that needs to happen is June 10th's arrival.
(:

papers.

i wish i knew what i was writing about, instead, i'll blog.

my computer is doing weird things that is making writing a paper challenging.
i'm obsessed with this song. like whoa.
i wish i could get thoughts together so i could pass this paper.
i don't think our printer is working, this is not good.
honors papers really make me dislike school, not that i already didn't.
i keep thinking there's stuff i have to do, then i forget.
must. write. paper.
must. memorize. lines.
i think that's it for now.

order has been restored in the universe; I'm happyhappyhappyy :D

tiring week.

this week many things occured.
I fixed things with you.
I was really insulted.
I tried out for cheerleading.
I made cheerleading.
I studied my lines, a lot. but Im still really unsure about them.
I've procrastinated on a paper.
i made a new friend or two.
I became more accepting.
I've been happier.
and this my friends, has made my week a good one.
(:

some days... I just thank God you're still around.

secret number one

I listen to Miley Cyrus a good bit.
her music inspires me.
I don't like her as an actress, nor a person. and not really a singer. I just really like the lyrics of her songs.

happy.

i've decided to be a new person. to look for the good in everything. to be someone other than who i've been the past couple months.
i'm going to be happy.
and i'm really really excited for this new change.

i don't even know if i have best friends anymore.
its all falling downhill.
my little "optimism drive?" stopped working.
i can't do this.
i'm mad to the point of tears.

I don't title things anymore.

i respect people who don't care what others think and do soley what they want to do, I sincerely wish I could say that was me.
since when do birds chirp late at night? they do.
I'm working on being optimistic. it's hard. but I'm working hard.
when I see nice looking boys daring unfortunate looking/acting girls.
it's also unfortunate when girls with bad reputations get formsprings. they only hurt themselves when they get 10 questions a day about all the boys they've had sex with. I find it saddening. oh well, not my business.

just my thoughts for the day.

I honestly give up. come find me when you wish to put effort in our friendship.

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like you Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

i need something that makes me truly happy.
i need a group of friends that stick around know matter what.
i need people to tell me the truth.
i need to get out the house more.
i need to be more thankful for what i have.
i need to exercise more.
i most certainly need to study lines more.
i need to finish all the books i have stacked up in my room.
i need to help around my house more.
i need to stop being so apathetic towards school.
i need to pray more.

"i need to start to be myself, because i'm sick of everybody else."
-hawk nelson.

spring break kind of sucks.

sure no school.
no getting up early.
but i miss having something to get looking pretty for.
i miss my friends.
and tuesday morning breakfast with meredith.

they say it gets worse before it gets better.







I thought worse had passed.

oh alien, you'll be just fine.

going back and reading my old posts.

it makes me wonder how i could be that ignorant. how i could've ever thought those people really cared. how i ever thought life was that bad, or that good for that matter. people didn't care. they still don't.

i've come to realize i kind of suck at choosing friends. sure, i have some really good ones. but most of the friendships i can think of? have failed. and most, ended very awfully and left me with scars hard to remove.


people change. memories don't.

i tend to find people amusing.

the way people tell you things you really don't want to know fascinates me.
why would you think that would be something i'm interested in? do i look like the kind of person that's going to sit there and listen to you go on and on about call of duty? or how your sister leaves too much hair in the shower drain? i hope not, because i do not enjoy hearing you ramble on about such randomosities.

i had a good day today.
this is the first weekend in awhile where i've actually had something to do everyday. i like it.
i hope it happens more often.

today happened to be a good one.

what happened:
ate pancakes.
went to school.
did nothing in science.
IMPROV in theatre (:
conjugated verbs. in French.
ate a lunchable.
ate more pancakes.
blasted the avett brothers on chrch street with the windows down.
hung out with lee katherine and my sister.
homework.
rehearsal.
saw Sarah Slusarick.
hugged Sarah Slusarick.
made plans to see Sarah Slusarick more often.
avett brothers with windows down on church street again
ate pizza.
did more homework.
facebook.
skyped with Natalie Beshears
took a shower.
and here I sit in bed, hoping tomorrow will be just as swell.

amazing.

i'm so amazed at how things change in what seems like such a short amount of time.

this time last year? we were best friends.
this time last year? we talked everyday. i couldn't bear the thought of losing you.
this time last year? my only concern was finding a dress for the eighth grade dance.
i was so vulnerable, so stupid. i believed anything.
i think things weren't really all that good, i just made them that way in my head, looked past the bad just because i didn't want to see it. that was a good plan, the bad does nothing but depresses me.

i want things to go back, but yet again i don't.
its made me who i am, who i'm going to be. but who i was started it all. a year ago i never thought i'd be this person. that these obstacles would come, that these things would happen, that these friendships would end.

i'm done with being everything i was.
i'm me, NOW.

"i wanna have friends, that love me for the man i've become not the man that i was."
-the avett brothers.

its not that i'm leaving my past behind, i'm just recreating what my future will be like.

i'm sure i make no sense to anyone but myself.
i just want to be loved without question, without backstabbing, without ignoring. thats what i want.

high school is just so dumb.

i really dislike going to school.
the highlight of my day was counting 1983 pennies. ridiculous, but reality.
i'm ready for spring break.
i'm ready to be happy again.

i'm tired of disliking everyone.

i just can't trust a soul anymore.


when i'm typing i always add a d to the end of soul.
i guess its because its like should.

i don't know.

apathy.

I try to care, I really do. but when everyone expects everything out of me, it's a lot easier to just not care.

Natalie brightens up my life.
I'm tired of my "best friends" being either obnoxios or just ignoring me completly.
I'm just so done.
the way I can't talk to you anymore without fighting really disturbs me. how the heck were we ever so close.
a million questions. no answers are coming.

I'm just a girl.

expect a lot.
but you also may need to expect disappointment.
I can't do everything.
I can't please everyone.
I do a lot if things right.
I do a lot of things wrong.
half the time I have no idea what the hell is going on.
I try and be optimistic I really do. I'm sure my pessimism throws a good bunch of people off, but I'm working on it.
I'm working at being a better person, one day at a time.

hmph.

I have no understanding as to why people like you. you're so unappealing. you're so twofaced. you have no idea what life is really about, you're just stuck in this mindset that thriving on boys who want nothing out of you but sex, and drama, is okay.
newsflash: it isn't.
you have no idea what you want, you don't know what's going on.
grow. up.

life sucks. but you think that with a snap of a finger it'll all just go away. it won't. not for a good while.
I hope you can get this in your brain, that is shrinking from your use of illegal drugs, that you need something more than this, before it's too late.

people suck.

even your best friends. everyone's gonna stab you in the back.
i've gotten used to having multiple scars from it.
i'm so sick of everyone claiming that "through everything" they'll be there for you. because they won't. they make stupid mistakes, and promises, and choices to compromise friendship.
i'm so done.
done.
done.
done.

point blank.

i just wanna get out of here.

nobody here is perfectly fine.

my mind constantly races about pointless things, dreams, everything, at the same time, nothing.
I'm always creating scenarios of what COULD happen.
I should really learn to live in the moment, because the future scares the hell out of me.

I'm starting to notice.

it happens the same way everytime.
I get a new bestfriend, think they're the greatest thing on earth, and just end up hurt. because apparently, me as a person, gets tiring. I have too much drama, so many issues, a clinginess that's awful, that as time goes on I just become less appealing as a person I suppose.
I'm working on this. I want to make it better. because I'm tired of being hurt, quite honestly.

be ok.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

things I want.

summertime.
to swing on a swingset.
taking pictures with those amazing photographer friends.
spring break.
some ice cream.
Natalie beshears.
to go shopping.
a phone I don't hate.
boys to go back to things that we used to hate with cooties.
to be 5 again, and to know to enjoy it while it happened.
to make cookies with my mom.
to be okay again.
school to be easier.
to be able to say I'm okay without lying.
the ability to instantly memorize lines.
old friends.
renewed relationships with some people that used to be so close to me.
my mom to get better.
some mountain dew.

thoseare just a few...

im not dumb.

doesn't take a rocketscientist to figure out you don't really love me. don't really care. could give two craps less about me in all actuality.
I'm sick of it. but I'm too dependent to stop it.

tomorrows valentines day...

i don't know quite how to feel about that.
my valentine is on house arrest.
and my other lives quite awhile away.
i hate how i take the effort and time to make people videos and my computers dislikes uploading them just for my displeasure. it's quite.. not good.
its snowed last night. why does it snow so much? i think this is the most it's ever snowed in a winter in my lifetime.

when people don't text me back i get really paranoid. i'm really paranoid anyways.
i have problems.
i guess its good that i recognize them.

i also think i have add. because my blogposts are always alllllll over the place.
my nails are purple. a really nice purple. because my dad let us get out of the house to go get manicures. it made us significantly happy.
i miss a lot of people. but they can't seem to find time in their busy lives to hang out with me. i really hate that. but its something i have to deal with.

so if i don't get a chance to post tomorrow. happy valentines/singles awareness day.
i hope its filled with love and other such mess.
<3

hmm.

tomorrow I'm hanging out with my sister for the first time in a while.
I'm excited.

reason number 37859432 I love Natalie Beshears.

"i check all of my social networking sites as soon as i get home, in order.
1.Facebook.
2.Formspring.me
3.Twitter
4.this.
which isn't really social. but i like to read Lindsey's posts."

I love her. so much.
oh and the fact that she as a lion on the background of my phone is nice too(:

skipalong.

I think it's funny how people come to me for relationship advice.
I know nothing. I don't know why I'd know anything. I fail at being loved, I guess if I don't necessarily love them back I don't know how to respond to it. I'm an odd person. most of the time I don't even like me, but it's not as though I can escape it.
I just need to be loved by someone I can love back.
just hasn't happened yet.

skipalong.

I think it's funny how people come to me for relationship advice.
I know nothing. I don't know why I'd know anything. I fail at being loved, I guess if I don't necessarily love them back I don't know how to respond to it. I'm an odd person. most of the time I don't even like me, but it's not as though I can escape it.
I just need to be loved by someone I can love back.
just hasn't happened yet.

my motor mouth, runs over you.

i'm kind of depressed that i won't have a valentine this year.
i haven't any other year. i don't know why i would even feel like this.
its always the weird guys that like me.
and the sketchy ones.
it makes me mad that one normal guy can't like me.
oh well, maddie has agreed to be my valentine, and natalie will be my valentine from afar.
thats all i need<3

burning bridges.

in my opinion, there's a fine line of being photogenic, and pretty. it's hard to be both.
I'm photogenic, I look good in pictures. but I really don't think I'm all that pretty in person, I don't know.

I want to be pretty.
pretty face to face.
pretty inside, pretty outside.
it's a task I'll never achieve.



I wish to look like this. on a regular basis.

so let's think this one out.

I feel as though when some part of my life starts getting better, another has to fall apart.
but thankfully, this time, I feel as though I have a strong, solid group of people behind me.
I'm getting to a point where I'm letting more people "in" persay. I'm trying to get over my trust issues, I really, really am.
I love my friends. I really do. I'm going to talk about them, like Natalie, because obviously, I like everything she does.
•let's talk about Maddie, she is my best friend, ever. dangit, our friendship started on the words "you smell good, and your shoes are weird." at ballet class. as four year olds. that had to mean something. I can tell her anything. she literally knows everything about me. and I'd have it no other way.
•natalie comes next. she is... love. you look up love in the dictionary and there she is. she makes me videos more than anyone. and if you read this blog, you know that makes me sooo happy. I haven't seen her in a year and a half. I miss her to freaking death. we will be reunited soon<3.
•so then comes Sally. Sally and I... we've never gotten along that well. but now, I do believe we are finally alright. seeing her face everyday in French class brightens my day and we can always depend on each other for vent sessions. she is my child, on facebook anyways, and I love her. to death.
•let's see. megan, megan comes next. point blank: I tell her all of my stories. my drama. my hardship. she listens. I love her for that.
•Kirsten: I always always always have a good time with her. we can make cookies, or play wii, or stay up til 5 am, just talking about life. but it will ALWAYS be a good time(:
•Sarah: Sarah and I. we've been through so much. despite everything, I know if I needed her at 3am, I could call her and shed be right there. she's gotten me through more breakdown nights than most. she takes the most amazing pictures of anyone I've ever known, and I know when I'm with her it'll be a good time. I love Sarah, through everything, I always have.
•Jayme. Jayme is a new one. she's really the best thing dating Kyle did for me. although I don't get a chance to see her all that often, when I do, it's impossible to have a bad time. she takes the most amazing pictures, and i envy her camera so much. we are SO alike it's freaky, I love my twin(:
last but not least caswell.
•I love caswell turner. she may not be the one that gets all the boys, but my lord if she isn't the prettiest friend I have. she makes me laugh until I pee myself then I can have a totally meaningful conversation with her. she, is, amazing.


that's not all my friends, for sure, but those are the notable ones I can't live without(:

I'm totally blessed to call them friends(:

I have this thing.

it's an obsession, really.
I love people leaving me videos.
it makes me like, the happiest person alive.
I'm sure this makes me weird, but I'm ok with that.
i just wish I had a webcam in which to return the favor...

little things that make me happy.

remembering to do homework.
videos on my wall.
skittles.
finding clothes i thought i'd lost long ago.
boys that i know care.
making cookies for elderly neighbors.
natalie beshears.
people drawing pictures for me.
finding old notes from like, fifth grade.
reminiscing.
friends becoming friends with other friends.
text messages from people you haven't seen in awhile.
my little dog just cuddling with me.
being able to upload a video to my computer without having to try 10 times.
new music.
talking to my best friend.
understanding.
getting random pictures of hearts.
feeling loved.
laughing til you pee.
staying up til 12 on saturday nights to read the new postsecrets.
tweets linked to you.
giving away clothes to people who need them more.
ice cream in the middle of winter.
sledding.
getting 8 hours of sleep.
footie pajamas.

the list could go on.
and that, makes me very happy.
(:

natalie beshears:

you make me happy.
you boost my self confidence by about 70384 points a day.
you are one of the cutest things i've ever seen
i'm envious of your laptop, clothes, eyes, and face.
you've left me three videos today, its hard for me to keep up.
i'm getting a webcam soon so we can chat, i promise.
i miss you so much. i don't know if you can comprehend.
i want my phone back for the sole purpose of texting you.
i have two accounts, twitter and formspring, mostly because of you.
on my facebook, it looks like you are the only person that really likes me.
i love you. so much, natalie.

i need to follow this.

never apologize for showing feeling, when you do so, you apologize for the truth.

all too often, i get mad at people, then i just want them back in my life, so i make it my fault and apologize.
i need to stop, i need to stop letting people walk all over me. i'm weak. &i just need you to love me.

geeze i never blog anymore.

i guess it seems i'm too busy.

i love snow.
and the happiness it brings.

things.

I'm confused most of the time, I don't know how to respond to half the people that talk to me.
then half the people I want to talk to me for one reason or another just won't.
I miss so many people. I need interaction other than those everyday boring people.
my classes this semester are fantastic, I love them.

I need help. I think I do.

a lot of assurance and uneasiness has been gained from this weekend.

fantastic.


also, a good bit of soreness.

um.

I find it funny that earlier today I write about how happy I was with my relationship status.
then my boyfriend breaks up with me.

ironic, huh?

things I've noticed.

•yeah, uhm, I've changed. a lot.
•I've turned into everything I used to look down upon. I'm such an awful, hypocritical, undeserving, brat. I talk about people behind their backs, I lie too much for my own good, and I constantly complain and cry.
I used to choose to dislike those people, but now I'm just another one of them.
•I miss childhood so. freaking. much.
•I just want a swingset.
•I have really awful trust issues, and I'm not sure why anyone trusts me. I don't know if I've given them a reason.
•all lying does is get you into more trouble than you're already in.
•I'm not sure why I'm sitting here typing this out. just venting I guess.
•it's not like I'm some awful teenager, I don't drink or do drugs, go to crazy parties, or rebel. I still love my family and my favorite part of the week is going to church.
•I'm really quite happy with my relationship status. it's nothing I guess I expected, it just happened, and I like it.
•I don't want fame to be over.
•if you lie to me in telling me you love me, there's a fantastic chance of me getting very angry.

I don't know why I wrote this, I just did.

fame opens tonight.

i'm excited.


someone's coming to see me every night of this show, thats never happened before.

i love my life.

.

when I say "I love you."


my goal is to mean it.

fine.

things are fine.
we're all fine.



i've always hated the word fine.

i'm way too easily pushed over.

EVERY time. you make me mad, but continuously, over and over and over again, make it my fault. when in reality, all of it is your fault.
but because i can't stand the thought of losing you, i apologize. and you say nothing.
i don't understand why time and time again i come crawling back.
its because you make me feel special, but only when you feel like it.
its only when you've seen me that day, or when i'm breaking down.
but not this time you didn't. when i needed you most you let me down. and then we got in a fight about it.
then i made it my fault, just like always.
you can't just choose when you love someone. either you do or you don't. all the time.
through being annoyed, or being in a fight, or whatever else, it doesn't just go away.
but maybe thats only with me.
i hope not.

repeat.

wake up.
dread the day.
English class.
most pointless class of my life.
class I hate with a passion.
old testament.
home.
mac&cheese.
homework.
facebook.
dinner.
rehearsal.
shower.
more homework.
sleep.


repeat.




I'm sick of my day to day life, some excitement would be lovely.

long time no blog.

I'm so paranoid with myself and everyone I hang around.
I'm scared you don't love me anymore, but in reality it's just because you're phone freezes when you try and talk to me.
I hate talking on the phone so incredibly much, which is a disadvantage to me.
I hate the way you criticize every little thing I do. but maybe you don't, maybe it's just my paranoia.
I want to get out of this place, with you preferably.