natalie beshears:

you make me happy.
you boost my self confidence by about 70384 points a day.
you are one of the cutest things i've ever seen
i'm envious of your laptop, clothes, eyes, and face.
you've left me three videos today, its hard for me to keep up.
i'm getting a webcam soon so we can chat, i promise.
i miss you so much. i don't know if you can comprehend.
i want my phone back for the sole purpose of texting you.
i have two accounts, twitter and formspring, mostly because of you.
on my facebook, it looks like you are the only person that really likes me.
i love you. so much, natalie.

i need to follow this.

never apologize for showing feeling, when you do so, you apologize for the truth.

all too often, i get mad at people, then i just want them back in my life, so i make it my fault and apologize.
i need to stop, i need to stop letting people walk all over me. i'm weak. &i just need you to love me.

geeze i never blog anymore.

i guess it seems i'm too busy.

i love snow.
and the happiness it brings.

things.

I'm confused most of the time, I don't know how to respond to half the people that talk to me.
then half the people I want to talk to me for one reason or another just won't.
I miss so many people. I need interaction other than those everyday boring people.
my classes this semester are fantastic, I love them.

I need help. I think I do.

a lot of assurance and uneasiness has been gained from this weekend.

fantastic.


also, a good bit of soreness.

um.

I find it funny that earlier today I write about how happy I was with my relationship status.
then my boyfriend breaks up with me.

ironic, huh?

things I've noticed.

•yeah, uhm, I've changed. a lot.
•I've turned into everything I used to look down upon. I'm such an awful, hypocritical, undeserving, brat. I talk about people behind their backs, I lie too much for my own good, and I constantly complain and cry.
I used to choose to dislike those people, but now I'm just another one of them.
•I miss childhood so. freaking. much.
•I just want a swingset.
•I have really awful trust issues, and I'm not sure why anyone trusts me. I don't know if I've given them a reason.
•all lying does is get you into more trouble than you're already in.
•I'm not sure why I'm sitting here typing this out. just venting I guess.
•it's not like I'm some awful teenager, I don't drink or do drugs, go to crazy parties, or rebel. I still love my family and my favorite part of the week is going to church.
•I'm really quite happy with my relationship status. it's nothing I guess I expected, it just happened, and I like it.
•I don't want fame to be over.
•if you lie to me in telling me you love me, there's a fantastic chance of me getting very angry.

I don't know why I wrote this, I just did.

fame opens tonight.

i'm excited.


someone's coming to see me every night of this show, thats never happened before.

i love my life.

.

when I say "I love you."


my goal is to mean it.

fine.

things are fine.
we're all fine.



i've always hated the word fine.

i'm way too easily pushed over.

EVERY time. you make me mad, but continuously, over and over and over again, make it my fault. when in reality, all of it is your fault.
but because i can't stand the thought of losing you, i apologize. and you say nothing.
i don't understand why time and time again i come crawling back.
its because you make me feel special, but only when you feel like it.
its only when you've seen me that day, or when i'm breaking down.
but not this time you didn't. when i needed you most you let me down. and then we got in a fight about it.
then i made it my fault, just like always.
you can't just choose when you love someone. either you do or you don't. all the time.
through being annoyed, or being in a fight, or whatever else, it doesn't just go away.
but maybe thats only with me.
i hope not.

repeat.

wake up.
dread the day.
English class.
most pointless class of my life.
class I hate with a passion.
old testament.
home.
mac&cheese.
homework.
facebook.
dinner.
rehearsal.
shower.
more homework.
sleep.


repeat.




I'm sick of my day to day life, some excitement would be lovely.

long time no blog.

I'm so paranoid with myself and everyone I hang around.
I'm scared you don't love me anymore, but in reality it's just because you're phone freezes when you try and talk to me.
I hate talking on the phone so incredibly much, which is a disadvantage to me.
I hate the way you criticize every little thing I do. but maybe you don't, maybe it's just my paranoia.
I want to get out of this place, with you preferably.