blahblahblahlbhalbhalbkhal;kjfal;sdkhgoeiarwhg.

sometimes, i think of all of the stuff we used to do together, the pictures we used to take, the conversations we had. and i'm jealous of those times... because i don't know where they went.
i feel like i'm falling apart with a lot of people. then i think its paranoia. then i don't know quite what to think.

i can't wait for the beach, i'm hoping to steal the nikon down there from my daddy and take some amazing pictures(:

my family is very blessed.

as we sat and opened presents yesterday morning, i think i realized just how blessed we were.
i love my family so very much (:
they can be annoying and my parents can be really strict, but all the same, i love them.

my life be like ooh ahh.

i love christmas.
&footie pajamas.
and christmas eve is one of my favorites<3
i look kind of nasty in this picture but i still like it.

merry christmas everyone.
i sincerely hope your year has been fantastic.
(:

i haven't blogged a lot lately.

so here's a summary.

i'm pretty happy. i can't wait for christmas. i'm frankly really,really,really sick of school. unfortunately, that part isn't optional.
i love christmas time. i love good cheer. i love people being nice. i love baking for friends.

i'm going over to jayme's tomorrow night. her and i are really good friends for only having seen each other in the flesh twice, ever. i'm really excited about this because i get to see kyle too (:

maddie's leaving tomorrow for florida. i'm going to miss her. i really don't like her going away, because i spend most of my time with her. but it will be alright, its high time i spent a little quality time with my sister. she's always gone.
have i mentioned i love christmastime?
i have the strong urge to go in my cul de sac and sing santa baby at the moment.
christmas used to be a lot more exciting when i believed in... well what makes christmas, christmas. even though, the real reason for the season is actually the person in which the holiday was named after, christ.
i can't really trust a lot of people anymore. they're all so sketchy. i guess, not really, but their friendship is. i can't decide whether this is because i'm not letting them in, or if its their fault.
its probably mine.
i blame a lot of stuff on myself lately, i think thats bad.
i love christmastime.
i love cookies.
i love friends i can trust.
i love text messaging.
i love pine trees in my house.
i love receiving presents.
i really love giving presents(this isn't to make me look good, i really do)
i love music. although i'm kind of sick of christmas music.
oh well, just a little update for everyone(who really reads my blog? probably no one, but in case you care, here it is (: )

the reality of this is.

i take far too many pictures of myself.
i realized this because i have to clean out an excess of pictures because our hard drive is full.
i think i've possibly already thrown out 100. or more.
i think this is awful.
i think i'll stop that...
as of next month.

201st post?

i look kind of awful, but i really like this picture(:

krnc.

I believe I am legitimately in like(:

awful.

I feel awful, I am awful.
it's been an awful day.

nobody blogs anymore

including myself.
i find this saddening.
oh well.
i guess its all just a phase.

its weird.

things are really coming together and falling apart at the same time.
i feel like i never care about school or homework anymore. my parents are convinced i don't. i do, i just have my mind on a lot of other things. it shouldn't be that way i suppose.
last night was really good. i think things are really going to turn around.
god has a plan.
sometimes the things we pray for/want aren't in the plan. its hard to understand that. A LOT.
but i think that patience is the main key in faith.
i don't know what i think anymore. i'm hypocritical. a lot.
its december. is anyone else shocked by that? it feels like this year has gone by insanely fast although the days drag by so slowly. i feel like i'm accomplishing nothing.
some of the people that mean the most to me are leaving in six months. this shocks and upsets me.
so much. :(
i don't know. its raining. hard.
i just want christmas to be here and for everything to be happy. and no school.

love.

yes.

i can honestly say i'm okay right now.
things are alright, minus geometry. but thats just a small factor.
i love my friends. immensely.

when I can't sleep...

Taylor swift, bejeweled blitz, the avett brothers and text messaging are love.

I miss the days.

when people invited me to do things.
when my biggest concern was who stole my cerulean crayon.
when I didn't know what drugs/sex/alcohol were.
when I didn't gave to constantly worry that my friends that drive weren't going to get in a crash.
when my favorite show was Lizzie mcguire.
when Aaron Carter was all I dreamed about.
when homework was spelling words.
when I looked forward to things such as dentist visits.
when my mom cooked dinner every night.
when my mom wasn't sick.


I wouldn't change a thing right now though.
(:

yes.

what a good day it has been, I love my life and the people in it.

goodnight world.
<3

i dont have a lot of things right with me.

however, there are lots wrong. why are things like that? maybe its just my pessimism.

i care too much about what others think.
i'm slightly conceited.
i want to go along what others think too much.
i'm a ridiculous people pleaser.
i don't think that i'm good enough... all the time.
i take too many pictures... of myself.
i'm so hypocritical.
i try hard not to be so mainstream, but it doesn't work.
i talk a lot of crap.
i also care too much what people think.

i think this is a problem.
i'm pessimistic.
i need to stop that.

we make things such as this in english (:

why dose live have to be a game?

fail.

i want to promise you.

that everything will be okay.
but i don't know that either.
i'm slowly sinking. but i'm okay. i think some people are keeping me afloat.
i really wanna know where the name owl city came from. i'm too lazy to google it.
i want a bunch of people to come see fame. i want there to be a full house everynight. i'm trying to hype it to my friends. really bad.

my blog is so pointless. i doubt anyone even reads it.

things just roll around my head... like thoughts.

some of them make a lot of sense, some make none.

I hate when I look back at things I've misspelled.

see, things like that..
I got my keystone dance dress tonight. I think Josh is going as my date? hahahaha. should be tons of funnn.

I'm tired. goodnight<3

no matter how pointless it is.

i like tweeting.

does that make me weird?

i just want some starbucks right now.

):

if you're going to say you love me.

act like it.

...

yesterday was an odd day.
i can't hold grudges.
i'm sick.

i want to be at school right now. but i'm too sick.

i want things to be okay.
is that too much to ask?

today was a good day,

I'm so glad things can be okay now.

sometimes.

i sit here and think what you write, the statuses you post, what you think, might be about me.

but i know you've completely erased me from your life. i'm happy with this yet i'm not.
i don't know what to do half the time except pretend i'm okay.
sometimes i am.
sometimes i'm not.
i can't really differentiate it.

when i tell the truth things start getting messy. shouldn't it be the other way around.

i love you way too much for my own good...

this blog was about so many different people at once.
there are so many reasons that i don't know what i'm doing anymore...
oh well.
things will get better soon.
i'm hoping for them to anyways.

oh and did i mention it really bothers me when people say "loose" when they really mean "lose."
being loose is being flexible. to lose someone is to... not be flexible.

I'm upset and I don't know why,

I hate it when this happens.

i'm not going to sit here and wait...

wait for some boy to come along and break my heart.
i'm too busy, and frankly i just don't want it to happen.
i think that a relationship in high school is slightly pointless anyways because you're just going to break up unless by some off chance you become high school sweethearts, marry, and have 8 beautiful children. which is doubtful.
so for now... i'm just here. living&loving but not always in the way people think...

(:

(:

my friends are amazing...

&pandora radio=love.
lunch at bww is love.
life is love.
God is love.

&for a second there...

things turned out to be okay.
but i don't think they can stay that way for long.
i'm okay, i'm happy. but i'm not perfect.
i think its funny to think about how people view you.
i also think its funny how everything can change in a split second.
my thoughts are all over the place. i take that back. i'm all over the place.
i don't know what i'm thinking/feeling half the time. i don't enjoy it. but its part of life.

i guess things are dependent on how i make them turn out.
so i'm just going to enjoy it.


whatever.
happy halloweeen

sick.

I'm sick of girls saying. "I try my hardest just to get through the day." or "I keep my hopes up during the hard times."
I don't know many girls like this very well... but enough to know that they don't really know what "hard times" are.
hard times are not when your boyfriend breaks up with you. hard times are not when you get in a fight with your best friend.
those things will blow over, and you won't think much about it ten years from now. but hard times are the things that really effect your life, the things that are going to matter even fifteen years from now.
hard times are the things that form a REAL person, maybe that's why most of those girls are so fake.
I'm not saying these are bad people, nor the things they say are bad, but in my opinion these girls are ignorant to what's coming at them. because we all experience something that breaks your world into two pieces, me? my world has been broken and I don't know if that gives me the right to say these things, but it was bothering me, and I needed to get it off my chest.

I realize there are people who have it A LOT worse than me, I realize I'm lucky to have the family, friends, and church I do. but I don't have it all that easy either, I don't think anyone does. we all have our problems and issues that maybe no one even knows about...
but I don't know... just some thoughts.

when the two&five button on your phone doesn't work...

its most inconvenient.
the rain has ruined my phone ):

im just a little girl lost in the moment...

I'm so scared, but I don't show it.

I'm ridiculously scared of the future, but at the moment I'm so content I can forget about the future for a little while. I can honestly say this is an amazing feeling.
I hope things stay like this for a good while (:

it's a quarter after one, i've lost all control and i need you now.

the past year has been a roller coaster.
a year yesterday my mom was diagnosed with cancer.
it was the scariest day of my life.
but i'm okay. we're all okay, we're still living life. day by day.
i appreciate those people who have gotten me through the last year.
some of those people i'm not even friends with. but know this. you've made a difference.
i'm still terrified of the future. but as long as i'm holding your hand walking into it, i have nothing to fear.
i'm okay, we're all okay.
and someday, everything will be okay.

i looooove nerd day :D

love<3

and it just keeps getting better...

sally moore: happy birthday tomorrow, i'm worried i won't have time to write it then.
but i love you, very much.

you are the light to my lifeeee!
(:
(i wrote this in yellow, and it hurt my eyes, but its your favorite color, so whatever(: )

everything is falling together.

in a good way.
florida is tomorrow.
i'm pumped, beyond pumped really.
from 8:30 on i'm out of here til tuesday morning.
i've needed to get away for awhile now.
there's a very very small group of people that aren't bothering me right now. i can't quite explain why, but there is just a select group of people that can't get on my nerves,
and i loooove them(:

seperating the truth from the lies.

its been an amazing week/weekend.
i got to see some people i haven't seen in awhile, i got hugs<3, i got operation christmas child up and running for this year, i went to a very good football game.
i saw basically everyone that means something to me.
(: (: (: (:
this is good. very good.

i love my daddy(:

everything is just... right.

the past few days have been perfect. i think my weekend is going to be very, very busy. but awesome(:
friday night: babysitting.
saturday: virginia tech gameee in blacksburg!
sunday: church and seeing allll my loves(:
its going to be an amazing weekend. i feel it.

(:

perfect day.

(i'm forgetting everything that you said. i'm forgetting it for good. i don't need it. my life is fine without it. i don't understand how you can say you'll "never leave, i love you so much." but honestly, it doesn't matter anymore. things are done. done forever.
i'm done.)

in the end.

im going to end up so much better off, I'm so over you and this situation, I hope you have an awesome life, really I do. I'm so much happier without you.

besides the flu.

i'm so perfectly content right now
:D

seriously.

i don't purposefully do anything, to hurt anyone.
i don't wish bad things upon people, just because i don't like them.
i'm not that kind of person.
i wish you would see that in me.
i have enough going on as it is.
i'm going to forgive, and forget.
its not my problem anymore.
i don't care.
goodbye.

i miss you.

give me my life back.
i don't want this next week to happen.

i have the flu.

i haven't the slightest idea how i'm going to get away with missing this much school with southern too, i'm probably going to end up failing all my classes, i can't go to school until wednesday or thursday, i have to miss the crop walk, church, and my cousins birthday party.
thank you flu, you've officially ruined my week.

i'm sick.

i feel like crap.
theres men outside my house, painting, they're freaking me out.
i want to feel better. soon.

somebody turn the lights on, somebody tell me whats wrong.

i'm okay.
i'm not failing geometry. i'm not failing anything, actually, i'm making a's in every class.
yay high school(:
ok, maybe not. but still, i'm glad i'm doing good.
i don't like that you're too busy to talk to me. it scares me that this is what this year is going to be like if this sets the stage for that....
church tomorrow night, then fame rehearsal the next night(:
should be a good two days.

i hate mondays.

they never work out so well for me.

precious.

we all should remember how short life is, and how anything can change so quickly.
third graders shouldn't have to get major plastic surgery because they got ran over by a car, it's... horrible. just horrible.

I believe in:

love
awkward moments
oreo cookies
writing on floors
the avett brothers
text messages
music in general
madison coressel
missing people
painting things
pictures of golf balls
ice cream in the middle of winter
sitting in the rain for four hours to see Virginia tech win.
my adorable cousins
facebook
being myself; and not changing for anyone.
unintentionally breaking hearts.
pizza.
best friends.
cherry lemon sundrop.
theatre.
Josh jones.
being alone every once in awhile.
my own style.

god, most of all, god.

(:

its been a great weekend so far.
i'm so glad this week was better than last week. literally, soooo glad.

this is awkward.

...and i don't like it.

urghhhh!

I. hate. geometry.
period, end of story.

i have to say, this week has been pretty spectacular so far.
i hope it stays like this. i hope i get to go to the game on friday, but if i do, i need to get to work on making my shirt. my school has no school spirit whatsoever. so i'm trying to make an effort.
tonight my youth pastor described me as "bah humbug." i have no idea what this is supposed to be. i guess i should try to be less bah humbug.
i can't freakin wait for this weekend <3

float on.

busybusybusy week already!
it's taking my mind off everything(:
well, I guess that's all school is good for.

obnoxious.

its so freaking obnoxious to "like" your own facebook status.
its like patting yourself on your back.
its like tooting your own horn.

its ridiculous is what it is.

actually, liking anything that you post (pictures, relationship changes, profile changes, etc.) is just plain obnoxious.

stop it.

it hurts.

i cry the most when the people i love are crying too.

especially boys.
i can't handle when boys cry.


life is real.
life is special.
life is short.
i love you.
don't forget it.

i hate death.

i cried tonight and i hadn't seen this kid since i was like... five?
there was a picture of him and my sister in his video. i almost fell apart.

no one should die at 18, they just shouldn't.

alrighty.

so far, this weekend hasn't been too horrible, but i have a feeling its going downhill from here.
i have to go to a visitation tonight and possibly a funeral tomorrow, funerals depress me. seeing people cry depresses me.

i'm starting to get a crick in my neck.
i don't understand what you said to me yesterday.
i hope virginia tech wins today. they probably will.
this time next week i'll be in blacksburg, that cheers me up a lot.
this time next month i'll be in orlando. this cheers me up even more.

the sun is now shining, i think i'll go drink some apple juice.

if.

if i have anything but a good weekend after what a horrible week its been.
it could get ugly, very, very ugly.

i don't appreciate it.

as far as i'm concerned.
we're no longer friends.

i'm sick of people telling me who i am or think i am.

and i thought today was going to be a good one.

lets get this straight.

you know what?
no.
just no.

I'm officially breaking down

this is the worst one i've had I awhile, everything is wrong.

for me,

it's often necessary to lie in my bed, and cry.

things change too fast.
a month ago, I guarantee(I hate spelling that word.) that we were texting right now, but no, things have changed.

all its really about.

all life is:
living.
dying.
struggling.


i'm becoming way more aware of this everyday.

it's a sickening feeling. but the most important thing is living. living for the moment. i'm trying really hard to do this. but living in the restraints of being fourteen is somewhat restricting.

i'm trying really hard to keep my friendships together.
i'm trying really hard to keep my life together. its hard. really really hard.

do you feel?

this isn't who i am.
this is who i've become.
i hate that with such a passion.

i hate when people are so skinny they could just disappear. i find it gross and disgusting.
NO ONE can rock grossly skinny. they just can't.

i think that the laughs that they put on tv sitcoms are grossly obnoxious. no one ACTUALLY believes there is a live studio audience there unless in fact, they show the studio audience, which they don't.

i can't believe in anyone right now. i just can't. no one gives me reason to.
i wish i was going to the fair this weekend. i'm excited for church. we didn't have youth last week. i miss it when we don't have it. a lot.
when i think about it... my youth group is basically the ONLY solid thing i have. and some people in there aren't even solid.
i can't wait for things to change.
they do. constantly.

I used to think you cared.

a lot more than you do.
ignorance is killer.
I can count on one hand the people who give a flying crap about me.
sucks. a lot.

Sweden.

I need you back in my life.
there are certain people who just make things okay, they're always gone at the least convenient times,

):

i'm much less okay than you think.

stop. rewind. freeze.
make everything okay again.

pillowcases.

things are short term. when you think about in a different sort of way, don't dwell on things now. because they're always going to change.

so basically.

my weekend will be filled with laundry, reading "The Color Purple" and college football.

my sister decided to leave me for the beach, and my best friend is in florida.
GO LIFE.

on the brightside, i love my part in fame (:

its truly been a good day.

the weather is perfect.
i'm auditioning tonight.
i'm not talking to you. and i'm not sure if its that i'm mad. or i just don't want to hear the lies.
i might be going to a soccer game tonight.
i went to the middle school and everyone stared at me like i was awesome. and got hit on by two seventh grade boys.
i want to go to SASC really bad. but its four hundred dollars. and i'll have to miss three and a half days of school. which i don't know if i can swing.
i had hardly any homework tonight, i should probably find a copy of the color purple.
oh well. i'm loving this day (:

i'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out.

i had a terrible day.
things keep coming in my direction and my parents think i'm slacking. i'm not. i'm just terribly busy worrying about school and everything else.
i want to escape from this place. concord is getting to be a scene i just don't want to see anymore.
i want things to change in a reasonably soon manor.
please and thank you.

homework.

its going to ruin my social life. for sure.

crumbling.

i like how i can't trust the most "solid" thing i have now.
this all never should have happened.
ugh. teenagers are dumb. i can't stand being here anymore.
get me out.

eight.

eight people follow my blog. I wonder who actually reads it.

this isn't directed at any person in particular.

i need to be needed.i repeat this over and over. but i don't think anyone gets it.if they did.it wouldn't be like this.i'm sick and tired of being in the middle of crap i don't need to be in the middle of, then getting criticized for it.
i love you. i'm sorry. its not your fault. its not my fault. its not anybodys fault. why does there have to blame?
i have this theory that i'm really really going to hate p.e. and geometry this semester. i have a new friend, i like that.

i'm wishing things would go back to the way they used to be. but in some ways, i like whats going on now.
theres a lot about me you don't know. i'm scared to let you in. why? i couldn't tell you. i'm more scared than i appear. in fact, i'm scared crapless, but i don't want to admit it. i'm afraid everything is going to change. i'm afraid the people who mean the most to me are just going to leave. i love you, why would you leave me?

this is all trivial and sad. i don't like it. not one bit.
things are a mess without it being obvious.
help me.

milk.

lets break this down.

homeroom: i have no teacher. what teacher doesn't show up to school on the first day of school?
honors english one: we already have a project assigned. but i do think that i'm really going to like this class.
health/pe: this class is POINTLESS. why is it necessary to run around and play sports for nine weeks? and run a mile in the sweltering heat of august, thats right, it isn't.
geometry: i have a bunch of sophomores in this class. i think my teacher is kind of insane. we had homework today, but there weren't nearly enough books for the class, so we had to do it in class.
old testament: i like the teacher. i like the subject matter. its not boring, i really really like this class already.

bees.

its been awhile since i've had a good long post so i've decided to update for you.

i'm slowly becoming more and more acquainted with the fact i'm really sick of mainstream. because i'm far from normal. or mainstream either. i'm starting to really enjoy music that doesn't happen to be on the top 100 of iTunes. because its good to have something for yourself that the rest of america isn't singing.
its good to talk to the people you love. thats why having my phone back is such a lovely thing.
i truly care and love sarah slusarick. she is wonderful. i don't really care what anyone else thinks. she's my best friend.
i'm dealing with the fact that sarah and josh are leaving me next august. and this is hard for me to deal with. because they're basically 2/3 of my life. in a lot of ways.
i'm currently obsessed with the song hide and seek by imogen heap.
the lake was pretty fun yesterday. i got thrown in the lake twice. almost got thrown off of an eighteen foot dock. jumped off the eighteen foot dock, a lot. chilled in a hammock. took pictures. floated. ate. got sunburnt on my cleavage. seriously the only place i got burnt. what the heck. i'm tanner-ish, now.

school starts tomorrow. this is mostly depressing. but i can't say its been such a good summer either. actually, its kind of sucked. minus a few days, and waking up late everyday. i kind of hated a lot of it. sure it was better than school. but you know, whatever.

things i want to accomplish this year:
1. 4.5 gpa.
2. class rank in the top five.
3. be a better friend.
4. be a better person in general.
5. love and be loved.

floats

how is it possible to have such a good day. then feel the way I do right now? I couldn't tell you. but I sure do know the feeling.

I'm officially melting down.
Don't leave. ever.

I think love is a chance we should take.

but falling for someone who won't catch is very dangerous.
whoops.

back.

i always meltdown the most when i have no access to my phone.

its most inconvenient.

blah.

i'm trying to come to terms with the fact that this time next year I'm going to have to say goodbye to some very important people. suckage.

i'm sorry.

i haven't posted in four days.

i was in atlanta.

my internet access there was limited. oh wells.

i had fun (:
i'm not really ready to be back in the swing of things.
i'm babysitting the cutest kids ever on monday. i'm looking forward to it(:
school starts in a little more than a week. that's insanely depressing.
i can't wait to go to the lake.
woooooo. hoooooo.

things are grossly messy right now.

its been a terrible day.

i can't control anything anymore.

i wish my two best friends didn't hate each other.

i don't know how it gets better than this.

take my hand and drag me headfirst fearless.

i really like this song.

soreness.

i'm so sore.

i had a good time with elizabeth.

i can't wait for sunday, atlanta is going to be fun(:
i'm so tired.

i'll probably stay up late anyways.

i'm wearing a really cute outfit. i like this. a lot.
wow. i'm vain.

should've known.

things are going to be alright.

i kind of feel like everything is spinning out of control.. but i can't control that. so i guess i'll have to get over it.

last night was weird. but it was good in a strange way i guess.
i miss a crapload of people. i hope i get to hangout with them soon.

i'm sore.
i'm tired.
and i'm hungry.

its currently my goal just to get through the day.
(i think i'm going to succeed. good)

i'm tired. and i'm listening to taylor swift. and hoping my phone will ring just any second.
wait. i already said i was tired. i think this just proves how tired i am.

BLAH.

bothers.

i'm bothered when people request me on facebook who i have no idea who they are and the mutual friends i have with them are mostly people i've met once at conferences and stuff.

it makes me uncomfortable.

don't ask why.

i gotta feeling that tomorrow is going to be one good day.

i do believe it will be just what i need.

ehhhhhh. ): blah.

its currently 1:25 pm and all i've done today is watched two law and orders and a secret life. and eaten.

i need to finish the great gatsby. i'm supposed to finish it by the end of july, its july 31st, i only have like 40 more pages, its so gosh darned boring though.
its raining while the sun is shining right now, really hard.
i'm recently really into country music for some reason. i've always liked it i suppose, just not like now.
theres something about everything thats going on that makes me smile. i have no idea why. but it does.

most nights now, i sit in my bed, listening to one taylor swift song over and over and over again, text the people i love, and then fall asleep. in my mind, this is the perfect way to end a day.

god, i ramble so much.
i need to stop.
i always say that, but i never do.

everythings gonna be fine fine fine?

I'm breaking down and coming undone.
the funny part is, it's no roller coaster kind of rush.

I can't wait for Sunday. get here now Sunday. now.
next week I have ballet every morning at 10.
...this is why I quit. but if I want to learn something about musical theatre, this is what I get. blah. only 3 and a half more weeks of summer. I'm ridiculously mad about this. it hasn't been the best summer ever, but it's been alright.
i hope to make these last few weeks worth it.

yes.

today was fantastic.

hm.

I honestly don't know how my feelings fall apart so fast.
yesterday. I felt the best I had in a long time, and I can't explain why. but today, I have a reason to be happy and I just don't feel very joyful.

things are starting to look up. yet I feel so down.
help.

eh.

things are okay.

for the first time in a long time.

i can say things are honestly okay.
(best friend forever.)

sarah needs to come home so we can have our bww party.

blah.

things are messy.

i want sarah to come home.
i'm excited to be at church every night this week. its not like i have anything else to do.
i don't want to be back in north carolina.

i have more than 10 books to read right now. oh good golly gosh.

oh well. things are going to be okay.
i feel it.

...(:

Sitting in the airport is a boring activity.
My braces are off, and this is superb, they look pretty awesome, my teeth I mean.



I have to say I'm pretty happy.

I don't think that our flight will actually take off at 11:15, the sky looks crappy and the runway looks crowded. But hey? How would I know. There is a British man sitting two seats away from me screaming in his phone, I'm quite enjoying his accent. Now I'm pretty sure French people are behind me. Why do they all want to go to Texas? That's so random. Oh well, we'll be boarding in about ten minutes not that we won't be sitting on the runway for an hour, but oh well, iPods fully charged and I have two books to read, life is good.

erm.

i'm happy. but i'm not.
i'm jealous. but i'm not.
i'm okay. but i'm not.
it's okay. but its not.

my braces come off in the morning. whoop!
(:

Just so you're aware.

I love visits to my house that are unplanned by my most favorite people in the world. Seriously, my three favorite people came to my house today unplanned.

And I really like that (:

Things aren't okay.

Eventually, they will be.

birthdays.

they happen to be really good things.

i like picture fights.
i like bww.
i like pancakes in the shape of things.

i love you beth cooper was a horrible movie, don't go see it.

i want it to be easy, easy as 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4.

all i want is to be different.

i'm tired of being generic, of being what everyone else is. i just want to stand out in the crowd, in a good way, because i'm a good person. not because i'm odd, and no one likes me.
i have a total of one person attending my birthday party now. jee, this makes me feel good about myself. its not like i invited a bunch of people to begin with, but still.
i opened my birthday cards tonight, it feels nice to have money again.
i want to be loved because you love me, not for sympathy, just love. because love is the most simple, but complex thing, ever. and i want to find it. i think everyone does. but the truth is, aren't we all trying to find it? aren't we all trying to be someone who everyone loves? we all want to be someone needed by someone else. but my new philosophy is: if you love me you love me, if not, screw it, because the people who love me are all i need.
i'm extremely excited for tomorrow night, even if it is only sarah, we're going to have a good time. i'm also extremely excited for sunday. having youth again excites me, i've missed everyone. also we're serving at the homeless shelter on sunday which makes me feel good that i've done something good.
my sisters keeper isn't showing anymore at the carolina mall movie theatre, i was looking forward to a good cry. but i think we're going to see i love you beth cooper, which i think will be a good laugh.
i'm looking forward to fun.
i'm looking forward to pictures.
i'm looking forward to gossiping.
i'm looking forward to not sleeping.
i'm looking forward to making delicious pancakes.
i'm looking forward to a night with my best friend. (:

i can honestly say.

i miss you a lot more than i want to.
i think that you're kind of hypocritical.
i feel pretty offended by this.
i wish maddie was in concord.
i wish sarah hadn't gotten her phone taken away.
i wish josh wasn't at the lake(or coming back?)
i wish it were already time to go to texas. i'm ready to get away.
i wish elizabeth wasn't leaving for mexico on the day of my birthday party.
i wish maddie was able to contact me on my birthday.

wishful thinking never got anyone anywhere.
but all i can seem to do is wish.
this isn't the way i want it.

I guess.

Most of the time I consider what I'm going through as bad, but honestly I'm starting to reconsider. Yes, there's parts that are extremely hard but not everything that's come of this is bad. They always say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and if anything this has made me so so so much stronger. And having the people there that I have make it ten times easier. I love you guys. You're the best, in the whole world.

Sarah slusarick and josh jones.

You're good older siblings.
I love you even when you do fight over me (:

Blah.

My head hurts.
A lot.

I want you to txt back,
A lot, you know why? Because:

I miss you.

A lot.

I miss more people than I dare to count.

good.

last night was good.

slowly but surely.

things are getting better. and i have the best friends in the world to blame for it.

i love you guys(:
i think i'd be insane without you.
i owe you everything in the world, you're the best things that could have ever happened to me.
more than you'll ever know, i love you.

Honestly.

(i say the word honestly a lot)
Am I really that truthful?
I want some pasta right now.
I was ridiculously productive today. I did four loads of laundry, cleaned my room, AND re-organized my bulletin board
wow. I have no life at all.

dashboard.

i just realized why when you log on to blogger, it says dashboard.
does that make me dumb?
i hope not.

i'm not sure whether to be happy or sad charlie brown is over, mostly sad, because i'll miss erin and sarah, and elizabeth, and will, and matthew, and jake. alright. i'm gonna miss everybody.
i hope everyone who goes to the beach this week has fun without me, because i won't be in attendance at any beach this summer. boo life.
13 days til my birthday,
17 days til my braces come off.
life is good.
summer is good.
people are good.
pictures are good.
late night texts are good.
hot pockets are definitely good. (i've kind of been living off them lately.)
i think that you are good, despite everything. i think you're very good.

I don't know what to think anymore.

Stuff is messed up

Lately. All I've wanted is for one of my friends to say "is everything ok?" and be able to look them straight in the eye, say no and cry.

i'm starting to realize.

the things that used to be so important...

hardly even matter anymore.

i've grown up a lot lately.
i'm not sure the person i've become is better or worse than the "old me" but it is what i am.
okay, did that make any sense?
no.
okay, thats what i thought.
i don't make a lot of sense anymore.
i'm sorry i ramble so much.

We're all just insecure human beings...

Trying to find our place in this world.

pointless.

i'm a little bit tired of days passing by and having no meaning.

everyday when i eat dinner i sit there and think about what i've done that day(does that make me weird?) and as i sat there tonight, i realized i'd done pretty much nothing important, or fun, or productive.

so give me something that will make my thinking better.

on honesty box on facebook someone told me i was too preppy. this "honesty" kind of upset me. they don't really know me if they think i'm so preppy. i don't honestly think i'm THAT preppy. not that being preppy is a bad thing, i just don't think it describes me all that well.
i obsess over stupid things too much.
i should really stop.

wow.

oh wow. so i love this girl.
she's pretty awesomeee.(:

i happen to wish:

you weren't so two-faced.
i wish we were better friends.
and i wish i wasn't so jealous of you.

I don't really understand you.

You do things I don't agree with.
(but I love you anyways)
You say things I don't agree with.
(but I love you anyways.)
I'm not exactly sure what I see in you.
(but I love you SO much anyways.)

I'm not sure what to do about you right this second. But I think I might just love you anyways.

I'm tired.
I'm hungry.
I'm beyond sunburnt.
But today was amazing anyways.
I'm okay with not understanding you.
Because I think that's most of the reason I love you.

its time to get away from here.

but i have nowhere to go.

youth week of service tomorrow! we're cleaning the homeless shelter, then chilling at the pool.
i'm excited, because i didn't get to go today. and i get to see everybody i love tomorrrowww! (:

also.
final dress is tomorrow. whoopppp.
i love erin johnson.

can you be:

there for me.
honest.
loving.
great.
amazing.
musical.
flexible.
a best friend.
a texting buddy.
a lover.


the sad truth is...
i don' think there's anyone out there like that.
until then, you might just do.

hmphh.

i don't get to see you tomorrow. and that makes me sad. i don't think i'll see you on monday either. ): or tuesday for that matter. but wednesday thursday friday are pretty solid. (: which makes me happy

i like how much you care, it makes me feel good.

i like how i'm going to be at theatre every night this week. charlie brown is really coming together and looks really good.
i'm getting excited. i think this is going to be a good week. i really do.

i like:
you.
the things you say.
the things you do.
how you make me feel.

i don't know what i'm saying, i don't think half of it is true. oh welll.

Sometimes.

For things to get a lot better... They have to get a lot worse.

The bad part has happened. And I'm waiting for the better part to start.

Obsessed.

Right now. I'm obsessed with the song white houses by vanessa carlton. I realize this song was popular 3676432 years ago, but right now I can't stop listening to it.
I'm obsessed with the fact you're starting the conversations a lot recently. And that makes me happy.
I'm obsessed with the fact that Erin Johnson is back in North Carolina. I love her. And listening to her voice at reahearsal.
I'm obsessed with reading. Just because I have nothing else to do.
Im obsessed with the idea that next week is going to be awesome. A week with youth and theatre? Heck. To. The. Yes.
I'm obsessed with trying not to like him as much as I do. And I don't really even know who"him" is. I just like him. A lot.

if i could.

you know I would... I really am a person of good intentions. And really like pleasing other people. so if I've ever done anything wrong, I'm sorry. I can almost promise I didn't mean to.

i realize.

that last post was kind of harsh.

i forgive you.

you.

i think you saying
"i'll always be there for you"

is the biggest joke i've heard in my entire life.



wow. the joke isn't funny though.

Thinking.

Probably not the best of ideas seeing as how everytime I start thinking about things, I start feeling really down about everything and I just want to cry.


...please give me a shoulder to cry on... Please?

spare me the freaking dirty looks.

All this drama was created over something so stupid. I wasn't being "naive" I was just looking at what you did and taking it for what it was. So don't call me ignorant. Don't misjudge me. Because you're the one who started this. I'm just the victim.

(:

last night was fun. taylor and i hung out with the neighborhood kids, then went inside, and ate an entire package of rainbow cookies, 28 of them, all gone. oh and a pizza and breadsticks too. we're fatties, we know.
(:

i'm still mad that i cant go to florida, but i realize that its out of my control, i can't change it...


anyways. up was a really good movie. wilderness scouts, rawrrr, CAWW CAWWW.
but anyways, i love you.

good night (:

UGH

I just packed for a week in Florida. And I'm not even going. The girl I was supposed to go with's grandpa is having surgery this week so I can't go. I'm kind of really mad right now.

saving graces.

my friends are my saving graces.
last night with them reminded me why i really love being with them (:

i'm going over to my friend taylor's house tonight, i haven't seen her in over a month. i'm pretty danged excited about that.
i leave for florida in two days.


you're creepy. you text thirteen year old girls, and hit on them. is this because you can't get anyone your own age?

just saying.

SUMMERRRRR.

last night i wrote this super long, thoughtful blog, it didn't post, frankly i don't feel like going into it right now, maybe some other time.

its summer.
(:
heck. yes.
i miss everyone thats important, most of them don't go to my school, so its not like i miss them already.
3 more days to wait until florida, i'm super excited and the grove and all of its wonderful parts are going to be so fun to take pictures and drive around in this summer.

despite everything wrong, i'm told this summer's going to be amazing.
so prove it to me (:

I don't even like him that much.

...why is everyone freaking out like this?

leaving.

i'm going to florida next sunday with my best friend (:
we're going to have a blast. her grandparents live on an orange grove and we drive golf carts around it and go tan on the dock, and take jillions of pictures.

i'm so freaking excited.

school gets out in two and a half days. this idea makes me want to scream. happily of course.
josh is taking me to lunch on wednesday probably (:
yay!
i love him.


i love you.
lindsey

ugh.

today was just extremely pointless to be honest with you.
i'm kind of sick, and i slept til 12.
i cleaned the attic for my sister's friends to come over, i uploaded pictures. and did laundry.
not my kind of day.

on the bright side. the pictures sarah took are amazing. i'm glad she took them. i love her. a lot.

8th gradeitous?

I think not.

Tonight was really fun despite my feeling crappy torwards the end of the night.
The 8th graders at my school are disgusting. Everytime I turned around I saw more toungues down other peoples throats.
We're in 8th grade people. Get over yourselves.

I love you.
Lindsey

freaking yes.

the day is here!
today is going to be pretty spectacular.
i feel it.
my throat hurts a little bit. and its raining. but i think this day really has potential, i do.

the dance is tonight. then sally's afterparty. we're going to have so much fun. its like. ridiculous.
sarah's taking my pictures and helping me get ready before. (: yay. i love her. well.
i'll most likely post another one after the dance.

until then.

i love you!

so basically.

i'm kind of really really really excited about
TOMORROW!

i'm kind of hoping its one of the best days of my life. if not?
i'm not gonna lie. i'll be kind of disappointed. but i don't care. i'm going to make the most of it.

and dance my face off (:

crisp.

i'm sure the lovely sunburn of mine is going to look gorgeous and compliment my 8th grade dance dress SO well.
thank you sun. i'm glad you hate me.

stop

Being like this. I'm tired of everything being like this.

I'm so done with feeling so sorry for myself that I don't know what to do. I'm tired of waking up in the mornings and having no idea what could happen in a single day. Because I do know what can happen in a single day and it's either a really pretty, or really crappy picture.

I'm so hypocritical it's unreal. Stop being like this life. I can't handle it.

tonight was just....

good.

we watched a louie giglio video called "hope when it hurts most"
it talked about that moment when you feel like the world has crashed all around you. he talked about how some teens had already experienced it, but if you hadn't you will.
well i've definitely had that moment. but something my mom wrote on her caring bridge really changed my perspective on everything.

she said(paraphrased) that she knew the day before she was diagnosed that God loved her. and she knew the day she was diagnosed God loved her. And was so confident that every day after. God was still going to love her the same amount.

and you know what? whether we're christian. or not. God loves us all. he wants whats best for all of us. theres those moments when we've known christ before but when that "moment" happens we wonder where is God in that? Why would God allow that to happen? Why would God fail us now? but in it all. God never fails us. God always knows everything that happens will turn out the way its supposed to.

I've been through that moment. I know what its like. but now that God has put everything in front of me that he has. I can't think that he's failed me anymore.

Those hugs tonight were the greatest. The arms around me while i was crying were the only ones i would've wanted to be there. The heat that radiated from all the bodies that care for me showed me the love of God through my youth group. I'm not trying to go all Jesus on everybody. But i truly believe that if you want to believe in him. He'll be there through everything that you need him for.

Jeremiah 29:11 says:
I know the plans i have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, not to harm. Plans for a hope and a future.

and i believe in that 110%

i love you.
lindsey

Why do you make me miss you so much?

I'd really like to know. Please tell me.

sunshine.

today was the first day in a few days that it didn't rain.
which was sunshiny.

seeing erin, elizabeth and sarah today kind of made the day a lot better.
not talking to cam today was 10 times harder than i thought it would be. i couldn't talk to him at lunch. which made me sad because he is my lunch period. him and his restless hand syndrome.

8th grade dance is a week away. YES. this makes me want to jump out of my skin and scream "YAYYYYYYYYYY!"
this symbolizes the end of middle school. the end of some of the worst years of my life.

but maybe some of the good ones too. Middle school has showed me who my friends are. and really? i don't have all that many good ones. most of my good friends don't even go to my school. they're the ones who really love me. who really care about whats going on in my life.

josh's dog has to be put to sleep. this makes me sad, because it makes him sad. i don't know.

ugh. my posts are pointless.

but they're me, getting my feelings out. and i don't know who reads them. but if you do. thank you. they're mostly just me complaining. which isn't good because in reality?

i don't have all that much to complain about. i have a family that loves me. a nice house to live in. and clothes that cover my body. i have great friends. and a facebook. and unlimited texting. i have a church family, that is amazing beyond everything i know. i have a big brother (not biologically : )) that loves me so much : )

i have most of everything i could ever want. and i'm not saying that to brag, i'm saying it mostly to compensate for all the complaining i do.

i love you, more than you know.

rain.

it calms me down.

yet puts me in the most horrible mood ever.
josh came to my house today to drop off dinner : )
that made my day basically.
then i had a fight with cam.

the eighth grade dance is a week away tomorrow.
the idea of that? puts me in a happy place.
Sarah is most likely coming over to help me get ready : ) pictures are going to be interesting seeing as i have no date now. : (
joy.

well this has been pointless enough.

i love you.

POSTSECRET :)

These made me smile today.

Everyone needs some smilin.

Crappy

It was a really crappy weekend.

I ran into a pole. Stayed in the ER til 3 am. My forehead is superglued together. Nuff said.
Then Sarah had to go to the hospital... That wasn't so good either.

My cousins came though and they were super cute.
And elizabeth came over :) which was sososo much fun.
I love her :)

What do I know?

I'm just some silly 13 year old.

Opinions.

I'm entitled to one.

Necessary

Tell me. Is it really necessary to:

•Be obsessed with twilight because a movie came out and Taylor lautner and Robert pattinson are SOSOSO hot? Is it all that necessary to write "TEAM JACOB" or "TEAM EDWARD" all over everything you own?
I think not.
I liked the book before the obsession swept up teenagers across America.

•Still put down George Bush because of something that happened in his past 8 years like it's the worst thing in the world that america's at war. It's happened before. And it's destined to happen again. A lot if other countries in the world HATE the u.s. Because we're so selfish. Really? I'd like to see you do a better job than George Bush did. I dont think Obama was the smartest choice for our nation. I don't at all. But I respect the fact he is president. And if he runs our country in the ground? More power to the people who voted for him.
I'm no political guru. But I'm entitled to my opinion.

•Display peace symbols all over everything you own. All of us want world peace. But we don't all display it on our shirts, pants, jackets, underwear, or God knows elsewhere. And personally. I was one of those that wore it on my jewelry or shirts or whatever. But I'm over it. Time for the rest of teenage America to.

This ones a tad more personal.
•Say you hate your parents. Because you don't. We've all said it. But I regret ever saying it. When your mom gets a life threatening disease. Tell me how much you hate her.

This ones even more personal:
• Be a total brat to me when all I've ever done is be nice to you. I'm questionable as to what I said or did. But I'm thoroughly hurt by the way you talk about me behind my back. I know because I have friends good enough to tell me the truth about what you say.

On the brightside: my cousins are coming this weekend! And glee is going to be one amazing television show.

i lied.

yesterday was atrocious.

when i stepped back and looked, i saw.

nothing all that good really happened. besides... well nope.

i'm asking for one good day. and you know what? i'm aware today and tomorrow will NOT be it. because we have EOG's. today is math. and i'm extremely worried i'm going to forget everything seeing as we learned ALL of this last year. because i was in algebra this year, i'm afraid i'm being penalized for not doing 8th grade math all year.

on the bright side:

i'm in love with this picture : )

Lalala..

I'm kind of tired of everybody at concord middle school. For suree.

They bother me a lot. As does someone else I know it bothers me you lie. It bothers me soooo muchhh.

I'm done.

However. Today was alrighttt.
Love you!

Today was great.

Youth was amazing...
I love my big brother!

: )

Church was good minus the fact that we went to 845. I liked it.

Wow. I'm tired. I'm going to starbucks with josh and my sister later yayyy :)

By the way: I think you're realllly stuck up. You are mean. You act like my best friend. But I know you're not. I'm so so so so so so done.

K?
I love you!

Last night was perfection.

Almost Maine went well.

The cast party was reallyreally fun.

But overall. The sleepover made my month. Jennie Megan and Elizabeth are my BEFFEFFS.
Our pancakes this morning were beyond good. You don't even understand. They were perfection. Along with the fried honey bun.

I love you!

i've been grounded for a week.

i'm back!

i need to see sarah. i haven't really seen her in like 3 weeks.

i need some sleep.

i failed the science EOG. i'm sure of it.

i need...

to stop saying I.

it makes me feel conceited.

Love.

100 little things that put me in a happy place;
( in no particular order)


1. Red skittles.
2.playing in the rain
3.summer days at the pool
4. Nightly talks with josh jones
5. The time I get with Sarah.
6. Going shopping with Maddie.
6. Little boys telling me I'm pretty.
7. Bigger boys telling me I'm pretty.
8. Ice cream.
9. A game of rook with the fam.
10. Christian songs.
11. Cookout milkshakes
12. Summer shows at OCT
13. Meredith performing.
14. the thought of the 8th grade dance.
15. Drawing pictures
16. Laminin
17. People who know what they are talking about
18. Getting makeup done at the mall when you have no interest in buying anything.
19. Two summers ago.
20. Pictures
21. Hilton head island
22. Golfing.
23.paddleboating.
24.passing algebra
25. Pictures with Sarah and kara
26. Loving who I am
27. Christianity
28. Freedom of religion.
29. Seeing him.
30. That giddy feeling get when I see him.
31. The perks of being a wallflower
32. How loud my dog snores.
33. Playing putt putt.
34. Walking on Maddies back
35. Protesting the chocolate shop.
36. Hannah warlick
37. Creamery.
38. Cherry lemon sundrop.
39. SASC leadership.
40. Disney world
41. Family vacations
42. British accents
43. Private series
45. Secret life of the American teenager
46. Talking to people I meet elsewhere.
47. The friends I have outside of school.
48. Faces on bandaids
49. Cupcakes
50.daniel and jeanna
51. Adam from alaska
52. Making fun of Obama
53. Saint simons island!
54. Biking the creeper trail.
55.Wakie wakie eggs and bakie!!
56. TEXAS.
57. "man! That guy was BUFF" josh jones
58. Dosi dos
59. Mars hill
60. ZOOLANDER.
61. Musicals
62. Zoe jumping the boarder
63. Speak
64. Childrens chior
65. Maddie Coressel
66. Taylor swift
67.text messages
68. Mikes pizza
69. When someone brings home something really good that wasn't on the grocery list
70. Cam piper
71. My daddy bringing me home presents from traveling
72. Peanut buter cookies
73. Music
74. My eighth grade dance dress
75.the smell of abercrombie and hollister
76. Good deals
77. Marc doitch goes BOOOOM!
78. Go stomp those shoes in the rain with emo kitties
79. Mr. Wilson's teaching
80. Good memories
81. Making videos
82. Notifications on facebook
83. Sarah slusarick
84. My fake uggs
85. Rent
86. Lil Wayne.
87. Pink
88. Videos from two summers ago (hi my name is chazz, mood swings, naro chin etc.)
89. Flair
90. Carosels
91. Kyle conroy in improv
92. Leaving parties to take pictures in bathrooms
93. My long talks with Noah medlin
94. WCMS
95. Almost Maine rehearsals.
96. Swinging
97. Lip gloss
98. Playgrounds.
99. Could you shave your legs a LITTLE quieter Please?
100. That I could think of all of these. :)

<3

My mouth hurts.

On the bright side?
I get my braces off in two months!
The end of school is 24 short days away. The science EOG is next week and we aren't close to prepared. I got all a's on my progress reports. Go me!?

This has been kind of a twisted day.

A girl at my sisters dance studio's house burnt down with her brother inside.
That's atrociously tragic.
Council was good for a change today.

Amidst everything that's going on, I'm making an a in algebra. I'm not gonna lie I'm extremely proud of myself.

I'm ready for summer to be here more than anything else.

random much?

so today i went to my sisters dance recital.
she said hi to me for like two seconds then like, left. i understand she wanted to hug all of her senior friends who won't dance with her next year, but still, i'm her sister, that deserves something, right?
plus i made her cookies for one of her friends birthdays today. i mean what am i? her servant?

seeing the recital made me realize how much i miss dance, yet i don't. i did it for nine freaking years, i think i stopped before i was in too deep.
it was good nonetheless, i really liked most of the dances.

hannah warlick is the cutest little girl ever. she is the sweetest thing EVER. she drew me this card that told me she loved me and today after i danced she comes up and says: "you did great"
i love her.

youth sunday went really well.
josh jones is my older brother.. i love him : )
i love church.
i love theatre.
i love you.

i really want to be a better photographer.
bad.
wellll.
this has been sufficiently random.
lindsey<3

Being wanted.

I think being wanted is more of an issue than being loved [by a boy]
For me at least. It's not so much that I want "love" than a feeling of being wanted: someone caring about you. Someone caring about what you were doing tonight. Or who you were going to the dance with. This matters much much more to me. It really does.




By the way everyone. Lamanin is the best thing I've ever heard about.
Youtube: louie giglio on lamanin. It will rock your world.

i can't be strong forever...

Today mom has surgery to put in something that's going to make the chemo easier. I'm glad about that. But really? I'm almost half-surprised that I don't burst into hysterics every day when I think about her.
I love her so so so much.
I can't bear the thought of losing her.
I guess if God brings us to it he is going to bring us through it.

frustration.

i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

could i just get over him? that would make things 10 times easier.
most of the time all i think about is: does he ever think about me?
will he EVER think of me the same way i think about him.

it frustrates me to the enth degree.
everybody around me is falling in love.
maybe its the pollen.
all it does is make me sneeze.
joy to life.

DISCLAIMER:

i'm not who you think i am.

prayer.

my pastor is in the hospital.
she has a tumor on her brain.

my dad talked to someone today whos mom had the exact same type. and she didn't last 6 weeks.

thats one hard concept to wrap your head around.

its been a crap week for news. because my mom didn't get very good results either. she has to go on a lot harder regimen of chemo. which is not good for her system.

to be honest.


i'm terrified.

Tonight was good.

Actually. It was wonderful.

I felt flawlessly gorgeous. I can't explain why. Or how. But really, I did.
The party was wonderful. Period.

Vows.

I vow to...

Love you unconditionally if you give me reason to

Pray to the one who I'll always love and adore.

Be less clingy.

Be a better friend.

Not start rumors.

Be in prayer about my mom all the time. ( I pray you do too. She didn't get very good results today.

All in all-- be a better person than you know
: )

Who we were, who we are, and who we're gonna be.

This statement defines a lot of what I thInk about lately.

I really like who I used to be. I mean, I was reallllly cute kid. And I had that whole innocent thing going on and I did like everything right.

Who I am now? I don't know I can say so much for. Maybe I think of myself a little too negatively, but I realy don't like who I've become. I don't even know who I am. It's to a point where everything that used to be so steadfast is g. o. n. e. I mean, church is still there. And SOME friendships are still there. But middle school has kind of showed me who my friends are. I'm just not sure about anything. My mind is constantly racing about nothing. I don't know. I don't know I don't know.

Who I'm going to be is a real question. Because truthfully? I'm not at all sure.
Is anybody?

My legs are on fire. I hate hate hate running. I'm to a point where I just want to chop them off.
I saw my pictures today and they were complete love. They were perfect in every single way. Sarah is amazing with anything she does, why am I surprised.

Only two more sleeps til jennies party. Woo hoo!

Today sucked. End of story

It started out bad and let's face it. Went downhill from there.
In gym we had to run a mile. Which- let's face it- I DONT run. I'm convinced I have asthma but when I told my mom that and she laughed at me and told me Im a hypocondriac. I'm not all that happy with her. I couldn't breathe for 30 minutes after the test. Plus it's allergy season which makes it worse.

There was so much more that went wrong today. But I'm too tired to write it.
Tomorrow will be better. I'm convinced

Searching...

I've had this... Odd thing lately. I'm different. I don't know how and I for sure don't know why. But I know it's affected some relationships. And I don't want those to change.

I love all of my friends. This insanity has got to stop.

LOL!

It bothers the poop out of me when people say LOL when in fact you know they aren't laughing out loud. Especially in every sentence or say it at the end of every text message. It just takes the meaning away from "LOL" I'd much rather you say: "haha" or just plain "that's funny."

Church was really good tonight. I LOVE my youth group. They really are helping me get through this rough patch.

I reek of chlorine

I want some sleep. It won't come. Today has been a HUGE roller coaster of emotions. For some strange reason. Showering with sunburn is one of the least appealing things ever. I can't wait for church tomorrow. It seems to solve things

Hmmm...

I'm reading this book. And I found this..


"the thing about chameleoning your way through life is that it gets to where nothing is real."

I thought this was a mostly fitting description for the past few years of my life.

Things are looking up..

Today I was at a golf lesson with a 16 year old (hot) northern dude and a 13 year old British guy. We were sitting at the table and the sixteen year old,Stephen, asks where I'm from. I tell him North carolina and he goes "alright, so we've got cup of tea(british accent) and sweet tea(southern accent)" I thought it was hilarious. And it for sure made my day.
We laid out at the pool and did some karaoke! Then went to teen mini golf with kids from the resort. It was fun and I got great arcade game prizes including a white bear with a shirt on that says "angel" so yay for that.

Also, for lunch we went to the salty dog cafe which is a huge thing down here and ate there and got t-shirts. Frankly, I was happy with my piggly wiggly t-shirt. But hey? What's another t-shirt... And dad was buying. :)

Tomorrow is outlet shopping and I was informed today there are now hollister and abercrombie outlets which will greatly improve my deficit for summer pants.

Pray for my pastor who had a surgery today on her brain...

LOVE.

Ugh.

I know this is completely irrelevant. But I don't know, maybe not. I can't stand people who are... Rude. They bother the heck out of me. I just wish there was a world where everyone was just nice. I want that. Bad.

Hilton head is where the heart is.

Seriously? I LOVE this place.
My sister and I plan on doing nothing more than swimming, scootering, and taking pictures. Eating maybe--not sure yet.
Oh and we are doing this teen movie night. In which we go with other teens to eat and see a movie. I'm planning on becoming friends with attrative boys. For sureeee.

He is risen.

Tomorrow is Easter, one of my favorite holidays. I used to think all it was was a holiday where we got up early to go to church, then opened Easter baskets, dressed in pretty dresses then went to church again.
It's so much more now. It really helps when you know the concept of the holiday. Well I have to get up at 6:15 to go to sunrise service tomorrow. So until then,
LOVE.

Things I've been thinking about.

1.relationships are like candles. They always burn out. whether it ends in breakup,divorce,or death, it's always going to end. The flame is the highest and most excited at the beginning then gets less energetic as time moves on.

2. Cussing makes you sound extremely ignorant. Especially while saying 3 and 4 of them in every sentence. There really is no point in cussing. Even though I've always wondered what's wrong with them. They're just words.

3. I started writing this blog for other people. Now I just write it for myself and other people are welcome to read.

4.tonight all I needed was a hug and no one was there to give me one.

I'm sick and tired of it.

You act like your my best friend one day. Then are so mean to me the next why would you do this to me? I wanted this to work,

So just stop. For my sake.

i'm extremely exhausted

but yesterday was wonderful.

i got to see my sarah in her play which she was wonderful... of course.

but anywho. i must get off to school...

i already missed the freaking bus.

give it back.

i want my innocence back.
its gone.
i mean, not like that. but i'm not that little girl that thinks that there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or that spirits go to heaven, not actual people. i just want that back. where everything was so simple. where we didn't have to worry about things like homework and boys.

i want it back.

please?

dresses....

today i went shopping for dresses...

i liked lots but they hated me. i just had to order two online because i'm not sure that the one i REALLY like will fit. FML.

today was better. for sure.

still hurt. but things are worked out. its better. its done. for sure. i love my friends.

i feel thankful

so my dad keeps this site running with all my mom's progress and un progress i guess you could say and i just looked at it.

the thing has 13484 visitors since november, im thinking this is pretty amazing, theres a facebook group praying for my mom that's reached 146, i'm so mad she has cancer.

but all this praying is such a consolation.
god is my hero. end of story.

im so tired.

i havent blogged in ever. im so tired im about to die.

i miss my best friend so much
my other best friend passed out.
we went to the chocolate shop for youth and i gave up chocolate for lent.


you could say this has been a pretty sucky day.

grr. im a dinosaur.

i saw emma rinaldo tonight. that child makes my life. she is the cutest thing since Jesus : ) she is so cute.
i want to babysit her and will and olivia.

moving on.
i hope i get tickets to see SLOG. it would break my heart if i didn't i would feel so incredibly bad. : (

love lindsey

it snowed today

we got snow three times this year.
and today we got the deepest snow. in march. and my sister played every other time. except today. because she cares way too much about whether her friends came over or not. so my day, in a nutshell, sucked.

theres opportunities to make it better, but frankly, i don't know whos going to take them.

please make it you.

my life just got a little better today.

seeing sarah made me extremely happy.

you have no idea.
i just wish she wasn't in slog so i could see her all the time. but i mean. its not like im mad shes in slog. because its great. seriously. im so proud of her and it sounds really cool and i can't wait to see it. but i don't ever get to see her. which sucks. because shes basically my best friend.

and we went to johnny carinos and they wouldn't let us order off the kids menu. we were SO mad and left crap tips. and we went to the mall. and bought her dress which is world changing so we can take pictures in them and be pretty. : )

and we also got these best friend necklaces that have cupcakes on them. they are so cute. i love them
i love her.
end of story.

you're so vain you probably think this blog is about you.

im tired of you acting like i don't annoy you. because i know i do.

so stop being two faced and tell it to my face... kay?


btw. this blog is about more than one person. so don't be like LINDSEY. why are you talking about me like this?

happy birthday maddie.

maddie has been my best friend ever since i was four.

she started our friendship with the words:
"your shoes are weird, you smell good" at ballet class.

and somehow. that made me want to be her friend.
her birthday is tomorrow. and im glad to have one more year with the greatest best friend that ever lived.

others may come and go. but maddie will always be there. i love her to death.

it's interesting how people make commitments they can't keep.

and i really hate when people do.

i was supposed to make a birthday sign with this girl tonight but she totally backed out. and the birthday girl isn't gonna be too happy on friday when her sign is not hanging on those ridiculous trees in the front of the school.

im tired.
and feeling sickly.

i wish someone would text me. it would make this evening much less boring. otherwise, from here its amazing bible race and wheel of fortune.

WHOPPEEEE.

i need to call to get tickets for sound of mucus. ehh. maybe i will. maybe i won't until then.

i love you. and i hope you love me too. because i think i'm lovable.
but hey, who am i to judge?

best weekend i've had in a while...

so this weekend i went skiing with the youth.

i COMPLETELY sucked at first. and by the end, i was going down the black diamond. yeah i was that good : )

and then we went to GRANNYS CHICKEN PALACE.
the place was so greasy i thought i would throw up. there was absolutely nothing healthy on the menu(not that i'm like obsessed with my weight or something.) and i ate french fries. when we first got to our table they brought this slaw stuff that was like straight up mayonaise and onions. just to give you an idea... there were underwear in the parking lot.
i know. cute.

then we went to the asheville mall. we went shopping and i bought maddie a valentines day gift at pac sun. then i bought a shirt at hollister. its cute.
we went to great american cookies and bought a cookie we didn't even eat.
then i was thirsty and bought lemonade at chik fil a. they gave me diet and i went up to the counter and asked them to change it. they didn't have ANYTHING left. they didn't even have any chicken. i was so pissed.

then this morning we went to cracker barrell and it was something along the lines of delicous.
then on the ride back i had josh laying on me the whollee time and we had fun. i know. it was PREETTTY fun. i loved it.

my mom is in the hospital right now... not fun. going to see her later after LASAGNA for dinner. i freaking hate lasagna.

but might as well be thankful for what i got...

love you. oh and happy late valentines day.

it HAS been a good day

mom is in the hospital. but feels good so thats good.

in the mountains with the best people everrr.

skiing tomorrow! : )

today was a good day.

i had a good day.

an uneventful one. but a good one.

my sister got her learners permit. very very very scary. but im proud of her.

sarah and will came to see me. it made me REALLY happy they care about me : )

they are my favoritest.

true story

i feel like this is made. just for me.

its been a suckish day.

well.

i got home. and mom was sick.

i ate dinner. and they messed up my order.

i expressed my true feelings to the guy i like. and he turned me down flat.

i was supposed to spend the night with my friend. she completely ignored my texts and calls.

im so tired of life being like this.

WHY does it have to be like this? im just.

fed up.

help. i need an escape.

I feel unwanted.

i feel neglected.
i feel rejected.
im tired of needing someone constantly
i wish i didn't cling to people so much.
i'm tired of people who pretend to be nice, but in reality they want nothing to do with you.

im so so so tired of being this person... why am i this person i don't know?
how have i become this?

2/4/09

today. is my sisters 15th birthday.

it snowed for her fifteenth birthday. i am very, very, very, jealous. stupid July birthday!
i made her muffins, and then put a candle in one, the muffins were still hot, therefore all the pink candle wax got in her muffin. i felt rather bad about it.
but tonight i have theatre, but after that, we are going to eat the most amazing chinese food in the entire world.
i just wish mom felt good enough to go... so until later. im going to play in the snow and help my sister celebrate! : )

i.

wish i had more friends that drew me pictures like these.

because these friends:
talk to me late at night.
encourage me.
always know the right thing to say.
make me feel better.
anddd
inspire me.

i complain a lot. i need to stop that.

so yesterday.

i hung out with sarah, and it made my day. because it had been a crap day. and i needed to get away from it all... so we went to the mall. and we saw elizabeth. we went to bath and body, returned sarah's birthday presents bought some perfume and bought elizabeth a keychain that made kissing noises...

fun right?

and then we talked for about 30 minutes in front of my house.

sarah knows me better than i thought she did.
then ate some pizza. facebooked. and went to bed.

then today. sarah and i were going to lunch. then she couldn't cuz she couldn't get her butt out of bed. i still love her.

i've been thinking a lot. about how i really need to tell my friends i love them more. because one day, they may be the only thing i have left. and thinking about how they are there for me and how they are the best thing i have next to family. so... therefore.
if you read this blog and you are my friend. i love you. so much you don't even know...

theres so many things im not...

and perfect is one of them.

but thats why i love my friends. because i don't need to be perfect for them.

i can be me.

i am

a professional stud muffin.

forever and ever.

can't wait for sarah's party.


: )

i wish...

i wish...
i wish my mom felt better...
i wish thursday would come sooner...
i wish i could have hung out with sarah today...
i wish sarah will get a part in secret life of girls.
i wish my hair was longer.
i wish i had a boyfriend.
i wish i was closer to God.
i wish i could spring break would come sooner.
i wish i was better at math
i wish maddie would take theatre classes with me
i wish my sister wouldn't dance so much
i wish i could do more plays
i wish i could be in winnie the pooh
i wish i had better friends
i wish they wouldn't stab me in the back
i wish boys were nice
i wish for you to be here right now and give me a hug.

im afraid...

that if i act like myself...




you wont be my friend anymore.

and maybe that's the problem. if i have to change for you, we might as well not be friends.

so dress shopping is...

TIRING.

when you keep looking and looking an looking at dresses. and trying them on and taking them off. its just.. tiring. yet there is a reward when you find the one that makes it all worth it.

which is a purple Jessica McClintock halter dress or a pink and gray spaghetti strap animal print dress that is amazing.

anyways. no one cares about dresses, well.. i do. but thats a different story.

I'M SO FREAKING PROUD OF SARAH SLUSARICK FOR GETTING A CALLBACK. : ) i love her and her freaking talent. jeez. yet, it makes me insanely jealous. ALL THE TIME.

well. anyways. im sleeping at maddies tonight, watching "oh brother where art thou" fun. not my choice. but fun : )

anyways. i can't freaking wait for sarahs party, cuz its going to be a blast. and everyone (including me) will look gorgeous.

peace.