one day at a time.

i have thoughts constantly roaming around in my head. thoughts that make no sense at all. i guess thats what stress and... complicatedness do to a person.
i watched that show if you really knew me, i wish that would happen in real life.
i feel like no one knows me, not in the least. i'm this whole different person in my head. or maybe i'm not, maybe it IS just all in my head. i do realize i make no sense, and i ramble a lot.
but i have no desire to be just like anyone else in the entire world. i'm sick of people telling me who i am, or what i should be. because i'm not, i'll form what i'd like to be, thanks.
i want something to be normal in my life. something to be constant all the freaking time. because i have nothing like that in my life. except God of course, but i don't give that near the time i should and i'm too focused on what's going on here. which is obviously important, but not as important as that. i feel like i'm slowly losing it.
2 days. i feel like i'm going to regain some sanity in 2 days. my phone hardly ever rings, nobody has the desire to text when they're on trips apparently, or just.. can't i guess. but i'm here in concord. and it kind of sucks, no one in concord texts me either, i feel like when my mom died EVERY one wanted to hang out with me, but now its like. oh, lets make no effort whatsoever to make that happen since that's blown over. i feel awful for saying stuff like that. i feel like an awful person half the time. people tell me what a good person i'm turning out to be and how my mom would be SO proud, but i don't feel like i'm that good. i don't feel like i'm making anyone proud. at least no one here. i feel like everything i do is just another burden to add to the pile of "to do." i want to make someone proud someday.
someday i'm going to be the person i wish to be. someday.