a month.

its been a month.
it's kinda hard to believe actually.
but i'm living day by day.
i get by with a little help from my friends.

half the time i just want to scream "THIS IS NOT THE WORST THING THAT COULD BE HAPPENING TO YOU."
i understand that your boyfriend breaking up with you is hard.
i understand getting in a fight with your parents is hard.
but i guess i've just had to grow up a lot faster than those around me. and someday, you'll know that there are worse things in life. and you'll understand where i'm coming from.
i don't say this to sound superior to anyone, i don't say it to offend anyone, and it is not said to any person specifically. it's just obnoxious to me, and you probably can't understand it.

walking into my parents closet now makes me cry, because every piece of my mom's clothing is gone. 20 trips up and down the stairs and its all gone.
gone.

someday, i'm going to regret not taking any of it.
its starting to hurt, her being gone.
i'm sick of people "understanding" i don't want to be told how to grieve. i will do it my own way, and i will get through it.

i have thoughts constantly roaming around in my head. thoughts that make no sense at all. i guess thats what stress and... complicatedness do to a person.
i watched that show if you really knew me, i wish that would happen in real life.
i feel like no one knows me, not in the least. i'm this whole different person in my head. or maybe i'm not, maybe it IS just all in my head. i do realize i make no sense, and i ramble a lot.
but i have no desire to be just like anyone else in the entire world. i'm sick of people telling me who i am, or what i should be. because i'm not, i'll form what i'd like to be, thanks.
i want something to be normal in my life. something to be constant all the freaking time. because i have nothing like that in my life. except God of course, but i don't give that near the time i should and i'm too focused on what's going on here. which is obviously important, but not as important as that. i feel like i'm slowly losing it.
2 days. i feel like i'm going to regain some sanity in 2 days. my phone hardly ever rings, nobody has the desire to text when they're on trips apparently, or just.. can't i guess. but i'm here in concord. and it kind of sucks, no one in concord texts me either, i feel like when my mom died EVERY one wanted to hang out with me, but now its like. oh, lets make no effort whatsoever to make that happen since that's blown over. i feel awful for saying stuff like that. i feel like an awful person half the time. people tell me what a good person i'm turning out to be and how my mom would be SO proud, but i don't feel like i'm that good. i don't feel like i'm making anyone proud. at least no one here. i feel like everything i do is just another burden to add to the pile of "to do." i want to make someone proud someday.
someday i'm going to be the person i wish to be. someday.

i wish consideration of me was taken.

being around here just sucks.
i understand that there's things i must do, but most of them, i have no desire to do. being stuck in this house is complete suckage. i just want to get out of here. anywhere, i don't care.

i miss you more than possibly imagined. even if i don't talk about it. God, i miss you. I feel like you brought sanity. I'm not sane right now.
I feel like i have every right to complain right now, yet i feel whiny. I really just want to have a good cry.
It doesn't help that my three best friends are places that are not here. i need people to help me. the people that help the most can't be here. i'm ready to go to texas, its escaping here.
i want to go to ccc so incredibly badly. U. G. H.

dear things, get better, now.

yes chase coy, yes.

Take me away to january I'm done with this year I tired of everyone here
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home

There's gotta be something else out there for me, I can feel it in my heart the day I started to dream.
There's more than this midwestern town
I can't let this place keep me down
So I tell myself...
There's a girl out on the coast of california, there's a world out there and it's waiting for you and I can hear them calling my name tonight...

Take me away I need the sand and the waves, the sunset, and lets not forget those warm autum days. I just need to get out of here... and vist the coast just to see her.

There's gotta be something else out there for me, I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream. there's more than this midwestern town. I can't let this place keep me down.
So I tell myself...
There's a girl out on the coast of california there's a world out there and it's waiting for you. and I can hear it calling my name tonight...

Well there's a girl out on the coast of california there's a world out there and it's waiting for you, and I can hear it calling my name tonight...

Take me away to january, I'm done with this year. I'm tired of everyone here. I just need sometime alone before I'm ready to come back home...


i love these lyrics, you know, minus the being in love with a girl part. but still, love.

i swear its gotta be easier than this.

2 days.

i'll be 15. love my life.
i won't see josh for three weeks. possibly four. not fun.
this summer has basically sucked so far.
minus the beach. i hope my birthday can make it a little better. i want that to be here right about now.
i also want to get a new camera right about now and i really hope i get enough money to buy one. or you know, someone just buys me one, that would be cool.
melting pot tomorrowww. YUM.
house of teipei on my actual birthday. i'm gonna gain weight this weekend, haha.
yesterday i almost had a panic attack. everything i think about makes me so stressed.
i don't even want to think about school starting. its making me not a happy camper.
i really want to go to ccc, i want to do as much youth stuff as possible. but stupid ccc was full. and i have to go to texas, but i am really excited about that. i love going down there. they have a cool mall. and my cousins are adorable. that too. hahaha.
natalie's coming today. i love that i'm gonna see her twice this summer, i hope that i can keep that up. because she's kinda basically my best friend and she lives 2 hours from me, which sucks, but it's reality.
i like to blog. i only do it for myself. i could really care less who reads it.

who knew you could feel so many things about one thing at one time.
i'm so confused with how i feel.
i don't know what i want, or when i want.
maybe its better that way, i'm not sure.
i just want answers. that would make things better for me.
i'm wondering why i started this in the first place.
on the brightside, natalie beshears tomorrow< 3
birthday sunday.
i love getting birthday cards. but it makes me want to open them right as i get them.
i got a new bed.
i like it a lot. its big.
i want you to text me back. i want to make plans.
i love to be with you. its all i want.
7 days. i hate this. it doesn't make sense, but in other senses it makes nothing but sense.
i don't know. i'm just all messed up.

all i wanted out of this summer was to be happy.
i think that aside from things going... not the way they were supposed to. i've achieved this.
i am happy. with most things. with a few things. with one thing (:

i love you more than i ever thought i could.

i can't stop all of the madness.

little things make me happy.
i'm getting my permit monday, that makes me happy.
pictures make me happy.
getting paid makes me happy.
sweet text messages make me happy.
eating endless amounts of cookie dough make me happy.
my house being so empty doesn't make me happy.
the chair at the end of the table being empty doesn't make me happy.
not having a shoulder to cry on makes me unhappy.
your ashes sitting on the coffee table make me unhappy.
but your looking down at me. knowing that i'm okay, and i'll be okay. some day.
i will be happy.

i miss everything about you.
and you're never coming back.
this is what hurts the most.

the things i like about the beach.

sunburn.
reading books all the time.
henna tattoos.
pictures.
where's the cat.
texting til 3 am.
driving an hour to myrtle, just to walk around.
random boys walking up to me to say "hi."
random boys getting in my face and doing weird dances.
walking up to house of blues, just to find it closed.
good music. windows down.
i have pooh on my tummy.
LINDSEY LOVES JESUS.
cory doing my tat.
walking around the beach with my shirt up because of my tat, looking like a trashy hoe.
finishing 2 books.
relaxing.
freedom.
< 3

beach, i'll be back soon< 3

people keep leaving.

don't leave me. ever.

some people's stupidity brings me humor (:

free as we'll ever be.

i don't know if i can handle another good bye.
i'm actually quite certain it wouldn't be good for my health. i'm sick and tired of goodbyes, especially the ones i never expected.
i have this plan.
i'm going to create 3 extra weeks, no one else knows about them. i'm getting my 3 weeks of summer back, and i'm having the most fun i've ever had. i'll invite certain people into my 3 weeks, but just the ones i want to spend time with. and distance won't mean a thing in my 3 weeks, if we want to be somewhere, we're there. and thats the way its going to be.
unfortunately, i can't create time.
but if i could. this would be the thing.
we'd hold hands. lay under the stars. and be happy.
thats really the only thing i want out of my summer.

only you can love me this way < 3

only you can love me this way < 3

i think that its slowly but surely going to get better.
you are constantly on my mind, and you're never far behind.
we're cleaning out different stuff, sending stuff back. in some ways i feel like it's too soon, but then again, when the heck are we supposed to do it?
i want to be at the lake.
i want a tan.
i want a lot of money, just to spend.
my birthday would be nice right about now, 17 more days.
for one birthday, i want all of my close friends to be here. JUST ONCE.
i think england in the fall is going to be super nice and awesome, i cannot wait. its going to be a good trip in memory of my mom.that was one thing she wanted to do really bad.
its going to be really weird traveling now, just me, meredith and my dad. 3 is such an awkward number, 4 seems so right. like, now whos supposed to sit with me on the roller coaster when meredith doesn't want to go? whos supposed to stay at home when we're sick? where are we supposed to go when dad has to travel?
i guess these are all logistics we have to figure out as time goes on.
i'm not ready for things to change with people. some of the most important people, but i know its gotta happen whether they want to admit that it has to or not, i'm just plain not ready, why does it have to happen.

natalie beshears is beside me.
two years and being reunited. love.
<3