going back and reading my old posts.

it makes me wonder how i could be that ignorant. how i could've ever thought those people really cared. how i ever thought life was that bad, or that good for that matter. people didn't care. they still don't.

i've come to realize i kind of suck at choosing friends. sure, i have some really good ones. but most of the friendships i can think of? have failed. and most, ended very awfully and left me with scars hard to remove.


people change. memories don't.

i tend to find people amusing.

the way people tell you things you really don't want to know fascinates me.
why would you think that would be something i'm interested in? do i look like the kind of person that's going to sit there and listen to you go on and on about call of duty? or how your sister leaves too much hair in the shower drain? i hope not, because i do not enjoy hearing you ramble on about such randomosities.

i had a good day today.
this is the first weekend in awhile where i've actually had something to do everyday. i like it.
i hope it happens more often.

today happened to be a good one.

what happened:
ate pancakes.
went to school.
did nothing in science.
IMPROV in theatre (:
conjugated verbs. in French.
ate a lunchable.
ate more pancakes.
blasted the avett brothers on chrch street with the windows down.
hung out with lee katherine and my sister.
homework.
rehearsal.
saw Sarah Slusarick.
hugged Sarah Slusarick.
made plans to see Sarah Slusarick more often.
avett brothers with windows down on church street again
ate pizza.
did more homework.
facebook.
skyped with Natalie Beshears
took a shower.
and here I sit in bed, hoping tomorrow will be just as swell.

amazing.

i'm so amazed at how things change in what seems like such a short amount of time.

this time last year? we were best friends.
this time last year? we talked everyday. i couldn't bear the thought of losing you.
this time last year? my only concern was finding a dress for the eighth grade dance.
i was so vulnerable, so stupid. i believed anything.
i think things weren't really all that good, i just made them that way in my head, looked past the bad just because i didn't want to see it. that was a good plan, the bad does nothing but depresses me.

i want things to go back, but yet again i don't.
its made me who i am, who i'm going to be. but who i was started it all. a year ago i never thought i'd be this person. that these obstacles would come, that these things would happen, that these friendships would end.

i'm done with being everything i was.
i'm me, NOW.

"i wanna have friends, that love me for the man i've become not the man that i was."
-the avett brothers.

its not that i'm leaving my past behind, i'm just recreating what my future will be like.

i'm sure i make no sense to anyone but myself.
i just want to be loved without question, without backstabbing, without ignoring. thats what i want.

high school is just so dumb.

i really dislike going to school.
the highlight of my day was counting 1983 pennies. ridiculous, but reality.
i'm ready for spring break.
i'm ready to be happy again.

i'm tired of disliking everyone.

i just can't trust a soul anymore.


when i'm typing i always add a d to the end of soul.
i guess its because its like should.

i don't know.

apathy.

I try to care, I really do. but when everyone expects everything out of me, it's a lot easier to just not care.

Natalie brightens up my life.
I'm tired of my "best friends" being either obnoxios or just ignoring me completly.
I'm just so done.
the way I can't talk to you anymore without fighting really disturbs me. how the heck were we ever so close.
a million questions. no answers are coming.

I'm just a girl.

expect a lot.
but you also may need to expect disappointment.
I can't do everything.
I can't please everyone.
I do a lot if things right.
I do a lot of things wrong.
half the time I have no idea what the hell is going on.
I try and be optimistic I really do. I'm sure my pessimism throws a good bunch of people off, but I'm working on it.
I'm working at being a better person, one day at a time.

hmph.

I have no understanding as to why people like you. you're so unappealing. you're so twofaced. you have no idea what life is really about, you're just stuck in this mindset that thriving on boys who want nothing out of you but sex, and drama, is okay.
newsflash: it isn't.
you have no idea what you want, you don't know what's going on.
grow. up.

life sucks. but you think that with a snap of a finger it'll all just go away. it won't. not for a good while.
I hope you can get this in your brain, that is shrinking from your use of illegal drugs, that you need something more than this, before it's too late.

people suck.

even your best friends. everyone's gonna stab you in the back.
i've gotten used to having multiple scars from it.
i'm so sick of everyone claiming that "through everything" they'll be there for you. because they won't. they make stupid mistakes, and promises, and choices to compromise friendship.
i'm so done.
done.
done.
done.