point blank.

i just wanna get out of here.

nobody here is perfectly fine.

my mind constantly races about pointless things, dreams, everything, at the same time, nothing.
I'm always creating scenarios of what COULD happen.
I should really learn to live in the moment, because the future scares the hell out of me.

I'm starting to notice.

it happens the same way everytime.
I get a new bestfriend, think they're the greatest thing on earth, and just end up hurt. because apparently, me as a person, gets tiring. I have too much drama, so many issues, a clinginess that's awful, that as time goes on I just become less appealing as a person I suppose.
I'm working on this. I want to make it better. because I'm tired of being hurt, quite honestly.

be ok.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

things I want.

summertime.
to swing on a swingset.
taking pictures with those amazing photographer friends.
spring break.
some ice cream.
Natalie beshears.
to go shopping.
a phone I don't hate.
boys to go back to things that we used to hate with cooties.
to be 5 again, and to know to enjoy it while it happened.
to make cookies with my mom.
to be okay again.
school to be easier.
to be able to say I'm okay without lying.
the ability to instantly memorize lines.
old friends.
renewed relationships with some people that used to be so close to me.
my mom to get better.
some mountain dew.

thoseare just a few...

im not dumb.

doesn't take a rocketscientist to figure out you don't really love me. don't really care. could give two craps less about me in all actuality.
I'm sick of it. but I'm too dependent to stop it.

tomorrows valentines day...

i don't know quite how to feel about that.
my valentine is on house arrest.
and my other lives quite awhile away.
i hate how i take the effort and time to make people videos and my computers dislikes uploading them just for my displeasure. it's quite.. not good.
its snowed last night. why does it snow so much? i think this is the most it's ever snowed in a winter in my lifetime.

when people don't text me back i get really paranoid. i'm really paranoid anyways.
i have problems.
i guess its good that i recognize them.

i also think i have add. because my blogposts are always alllllll over the place.
my nails are purple. a really nice purple. because my dad let us get out of the house to go get manicures. it made us significantly happy.
i miss a lot of people. but they can't seem to find time in their busy lives to hang out with me. i really hate that. but its something i have to deal with.

so if i don't get a chance to post tomorrow. happy valentines/singles awareness day.
i hope its filled with love and other such mess.
<3

hmm.

tomorrow I'm hanging out with my sister for the first time in a while.
I'm excited.

reason number 37859432 I love Natalie Beshears.

"i check all of my social networking sites as soon as i get home, in order.
1.Facebook.
2.Formspring.me
3.Twitter
4.this.
which isn't really social. but i like to read Lindsey's posts."

I love her. so much.
oh and the fact that she as a lion on the background of my phone is nice too(:

skipalong.

I think it's funny how people come to me for relationship advice.
I know nothing. I don't know why I'd know anything. I fail at being loved, I guess if I don't necessarily love them back I don't know how to respond to it. I'm an odd person. most of the time I don't even like me, but it's not as though I can escape it.
I just need to be loved by someone I can love back.
just hasn't happened yet.

skipalong.

I think it's funny how people come to me for relationship advice.
I know nothing. I don't know why I'd know anything. I fail at being loved, I guess if I don't necessarily love them back I don't know how to respond to it. I'm an odd person. most of the time I don't even like me, but it's not as though I can escape it.
I just need to be loved by someone I can love back.
just hasn't happened yet.

my motor mouth, runs over you.

i'm kind of depressed that i won't have a valentine this year.
i haven't any other year. i don't know why i would even feel like this.
its always the weird guys that like me.
and the sketchy ones.
it makes me mad that one normal guy can't like me.
oh well, maddie has agreed to be my valentine, and natalie will be my valentine from afar.
thats all i need<3

burning bridges.

in my opinion, there's a fine line of being photogenic, and pretty. it's hard to be both.
I'm photogenic, I look good in pictures. but I really don't think I'm all that pretty in person, I don't know.

I want to be pretty.
pretty face to face.
pretty inside, pretty outside.
it's a task I'll never achieve.



I wish to look like this. on a regular basis.

so let's think this one out.

I feel as though when some part of my life starts getting better, another has to fall apart.
but thankfully, this time, I feel as though I have a strong, solid group of people behind me.
I'm getting to a point where I'm letting more people "in" persay. I'm trying to get over my trust issues, I really, really am.
I love my friends. I really do. I'm going to talk about them, like Natalie, because obviously, I like everything she does.
•let's talk about Maddie, she is my best friend, ever. dangit, our friendship started on the words "you smell good, and your shoes are weird." at ballet class. as four year olds. that had to mean something. I can tell her anything. she literally knows everything about me. and I'd have it no other way.
•natalie comes next. she is... love. you look up love in the dictionary and there she is. she makes me videos more than anyone. and if you read this blog, you know that makes me sooo happy. I haven't seen her in a year and a half. I miss her to freaking death. we will be reunited soon<3.
•so then comes Sally. Sally and I... we've never gotten along that well. but now, I do believe we are finally alright. seeing her face everyday in French class brightens my day and we can always depend on each other for vent sessions. she is my child, on facebook anyways, and I love her. to death.
•let's see. megan, megan comes next. point blank: I tell her all of my stories. my drama. my hardship. she listens. I love her for that.
•Kirsten: I always always always have a good time with her. we can make cookies, or play wii, or stay up til 5 am, just talking about life. but it will ALWAYS be a good time(:
•Sarah: Sarah and I. we've been through so much. despite everything, I know if I needed her at 3am, I could call her and shed be right there. she's gotten me through more breakdown nights than most. she takes the most amazing pictures of anyone I've ever known, and I know when I'm with her it'll be a good time. I love Sarah, through everything, I always have.
•Jayme. Jayme is a new one. she's really the best thing dating Kyle did for me. although I don't get a chance to see her all that often, when I do, it's impossible to have a bad time. she takes the most amazing pictures, and i envy her camera so much. we are SO alike it's freaky, I love my twin(:
last but not least caswell.
•I love caswell turner. she may not be the one that gets all the boys, but my lord if she isn't the prettiest friend I have. she makes me laugh until I pee myself then I can have a totally meaningful conversation with her. she, is, amazing.


that's not all my friends, for sure, but those are the notable ones I can't live without(:

I'm totally blessed to call them friends(:

I have this thing.

it's an obsession, really.
I love people leaving me videos.
it makes me like, the happiest person alive.
I'm sure this makes me weird, but I'm ok with that.
i just wish I had a webcam in which to return the favor...

little things that make me happy.

remembering to do homework.
videos on my wall.
skittles.
finding clothes i thought i'd lost long ago.
boys that i know care.
making cookies for elderly neighbors.
natalie beshears.
people drawing pictures for me.
finding old notes from like, fifth grade.
reminiscing.
friends becoming friends with other friends.
text messages from people you haven't seen in awhile.
my little dog just cuddling with me.
being able to upload a video to my computer without having to try 10 times.
new music.
talking to my best friend.
understanding.
getting random pictures of hearts.
feeling loved.
laughing til you pee.
staying up til 12 on saturday nights to read the new postsecrets.
tweets linked to you.
giving away clothes to people who need them more.
ice cream in the middle of winter.
sledding.
getting 8 hours of sleep.
footie pajamas.

the list could go on.
and that, makes me very happy.
(: