ehhhhhh. ): blah.

its currently 1:25 pm and all i've done today is watched two law and orders and a secret life. and eaten.

i need to finish the great gatsby. i'm supposed to finish it by the end of july, its july 31st, i only have like 40 more pages, its so gosh darned boring though.
its raining while the sun is shining right now, really hard.
i'm recently really into country music for some reason. i've always liked it i suppose, just not like now.
theres something about everything thats going on that makes me smile. i have no idea why. but it does.

most nights now, i sit in my bed, listening to one taylor swift song over and over and over again, text the people i love, and then fall asleep. in my mind, this is the perfect way to end a day.

god, i ramble so much.
i need to stop.
i always say that, but i never do.

everythings gonna be fine fine fine?

I'm breaking down and coming undone.
the funny part is, it's no roller coaster kind of rush.

I can't wait for Sunday. get here now Sunday. now.
next week I have ballet every morning at 10.
...this is why I quit. but if I want to learn something about musical theatre, this is what I get. blah. only 3 and a half more weeks of summer. I'm ridiculously mad about this. it hasn't been the best summer ever, but it's been alright.
i hope to make these last few weeks worth it.

yes.

today was fantastic.

hm.

I honestly don't know how my feelings fall apart so fast.
yesterday. I felt the best I had in a long time, and I can't explain why. but today, I have a reason to be happy and I just don't feel very joyful.

things are starting to look up. yet I feel so down.
help.

eh.

things are okay.

for the first time in a long time.

i can say things are honestly okay.
(best friend forever.)

sarah needs to come home so we can have our bww party.

blah.

things are messy.

i want sarah to come home.
i'm excited to be at church every night this week. its not like i have anything else to do.
i don't want to be back in north carolina.

i have more than 10 books to read right now. oh good golly gosh.

oh well. things are going to be okay.
i feel it.

...(:

Sitting in the airport is a boring activity.
My braces are off, and this is superb, they look pretty awesome, my teeth I mean.



I have to say I'm pretty happy.

I don't think that our flight will actually take off at 11:15, the sky looks crappy and the runway looks crowded. But hey? How would I know. There is a British man sitting two seats away from me screaming in his phone, I'm quite enjoying his accent. Now I'm pretty sure French people are behind me. Why do they all want to go to Texas? That's so random. Oh well, we'll be boarding in about ten minutes not that we won't be sitting on the runway for an hour, but oh well, iPods fully charged and I have two books to read, life is good.

erm.

i'm happy. but i'm not.
i'm jealous. but i'm not.
i'm okay. but i'm not.
it's okay. but its not.

my braces come off in the morning. whoop!
(:

Just so you're aware.

I love visits to my house that are unplanned by my most favorite people in the world. Seriously, my three favorite people came to my house today unplanned.

And I really like that (:

Things aren't okay.

Eventually, they will be.

birthdays.

they happen to be really good things.

i like picture fights.
i like bww.
i like pancakes in the shape of things.

i love you beth cooper was a horrible movie, don't go see it.

i want it to be easy, easy as 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4.

all i want is to be different.

i'm tired of being generic, of being what everyone else is. i just want to stand out in the crowd, in a good way, because i'm a good person. not because i'm odd, and no one likes me.
i have a total of one person attending my birthday party now. jee, this makes me feel good about myself. its not like i invited a bunch of people to begin with, but still.
i opened my birthday cards tonight, it feels nice to have money again.
i want to be loved because you love me, not for sympathy, just love. because love is the most simple, but complex thing, ever. and i want to find it. i think everyone does. but the truth is, aren't we all trying to find it? aren't we all trying to be someone who everyone loves? we all want to be someone needed by someone else. but my new philosophy is: if you love me you love me, if not, screw it, because the people who love me are all i need.
i'm extremely excited for tomorrow night, even if it is only sarah, we're going to have a good time. i'm also extremely excited for sunday. having youth again excites me, i've missed everyone. also we're serving at the homeless shelter on sunday which makes me feel good that i've done something good.
my sisters keeper isn't showing anymore at the carolina mall movie theatre, i was looking forward to a good cry. but i think we're going to see i love you beth cooper, which i think will be a good laugh.
i'm looking forward to fun.
i'm looking forward to pictures.
i'm looking forward to gossiping.
i'm looking forward to not sleeping.
i'm looking forward to making delicious pancakes.
i'm looking forward to a night with my best friend. (:

i can honestly say.

i miss you a lot more than i want to.
i think that you're kind of hypocritical.
i feel pretty offended by this.
i wish maddie was in concord.
i wish sarah hadn't gotten her phone taken away.
i wish josh wasn't at the lake(or coming back?)
i wish it were already time to go to texas. i'm ready to get away.
i wish elizabeth wasn't leaving for mexico on the day of my birthday party.
i wish maddie was able to contact me on my birthday.

wishful thinking never got anyone anywhere.
but all i can seem to do is wish.
this isn't the way i want it.

I guess.

Most of the time I consider what I'm going through as bad, but honestly I'm starting to reconsider. Yes, there's parts that are extremely hard but not everything that's come of this is bad. They always say that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and if anything this has made me so so so much stronger. And having the people there that I have make it ten times easier. I love you guys. You're the best, in the whole world.

Sarah slusarick and josh jones.

You're good older siblings.
I love you even when you do fight over me (:

Blah.

My head hurts.
A lot.

I want you to txt back,
A lot, you know why? Because:

I miss you.

A lot.

I miss more people than I dare to count.

good.

last night was good.

slowly but surely.

things are getting better. and i have the best friends in the world to blame for it.

i love you guys(:
i think i'd be insane without you.
i owe you everything in the world, you're the best things that could have ever happened to me.
more than you'll ever know, i love you.

Honestly.

(i say the word honestly a lot)
Am I really that truthful?
I want some pasta right now.
I was ridiculously productive today. I did four loads of laundry, cleaned my room, AND re-organized my bulletin board
wow. I have no life at all.

dashboard.

i just realized why when you log on to blogger, it says dashboard.
does that make me dumb?
i hope not.

i'm not sure whether to be happy or sad charlie brown is over, mostly sad, because i'll miss erin and sarah, and elizabeth, and will, and matthew, and jake. alright. i'm gonna miss everybody.
i hope everyone who goes to the beach this week has fun without me, because i won't be in attendance at any beach this summer. boo life.
13 days til my birthday,
17 days til my braces come off.
life is good.
summer is good.
people are good.
pictures are good.
late night texts are good.
hot pockets are definitely good. (i've kind of been living off them lately.)
i think that you are good, despite everything. i think you're very good.

I don't know what to think anymore.

Stuff is messed up

Lately. All I've wanted is for one of my friends to say "is everything ok?" and be able to look them straight in the eye, say no and cry.

i'm starting to realize.

the things that used to be so important...

hardly even matter anymore.

i've grown up a lot lately.
i'm not sure the person i've become is better or worse than the "old me" but it is what i am.
okay, did that make any sense?
no.
okay, thats what i thought.
i don't make a lot of sense anymore.
i'm sorry i ramble so much.