a month.

its been a month.
it's kinda hard to believe actually.
but i'm living day by day.
i get by with a little help from my friends.

half the time i just want to scream "THIS IS NOT THE WORST THING THAT COULD BE HAPPENING TO YOU."
i understand that your boyfriend breaking up with you is hard.
i understand getting in a fight with your parents is hard.
but i guess i've just had to grow up a lot faster than those around me. and someday, you'll know that there are worse things in life. and you'll understand where i'm coming from.
i don't say this to sound superior to anyone, i don't say it to offend anyone, and it is not said to any person specifically. it's just obnoxious to me, and you probably can't understand it.

walking into my parents closet now makes me cry, because every piece of my mom's clothing is gone. 20 trips up and down the stairs and its all gone.
gone.

someday, i'm going to regret not taking any of it.
its starting to hurt, her being gone.
i'm sick of people "understanding" i don't want to be told how to grieve. i will do it my own way, and i will get through it.

i have thoughts constantly roaming around in my head. thoughts that make no sense at all. i guess thats what stress and... complicatedness do to a person.
i watched that show if you really knew me, i wish that would happen in real life.
i feel like no one knows me, not in the least. i'm this whole different person in my head. or maybe i'm not, maybe it IS just all in my head. i do realize i make no sense, and i ramble a lot.
but i have no desire to be just like anyone else in the entire world. i'm sick of people telling me who i am, or what i should be. because i'm not, i'll form what i'd like to be, thanks.
i want something to be normal in my life. something to be constant all the freaking time. because i have nothing like that in my life. except God of course, but i don't give that near the time i should and i'm too focused on what's going on here. which is obviously important, but not as important as that. i feel like i'm slowly losing it.
2 days. i feel like i'm going to regain some sanity in 2 days. my phone hardly ever rings, nobody has the desire to text when they're on trips apparently, or just.. can't i guess. but i'm here in concord. and it kind of sucks, no one in concord texts me either, i feel like when my mom died EVERY one wanted to hang out with me, but now its like. oh, lets make no effort whatsoever to make that happen since that's blown over. i feel awful for saying stuff like that. i feel like an awful person half the time. people tell me what a good person i'm turning out to be and how my mom would be SO proud, but i don't feel like i'm that good. i don't feel like i'm making anyone proud. at least no one here. i feel like everything i do is just another burden to add to the pile of "to do." i want to make someone proud someday.
someday i'm going to be the person i wish to be. someday.

i wish consideration of me was taken.

being around here just sucks.
i understand that there's things i must do, but most of them, i have no desire to do. being stuck in this house is complete suckage. i just want to get out of here. anywhere, i don't care.

i miss you more than possibly imagined. even if i don't talk about it. God, i miss you. I feel like you brought sanity. I'm not sane right now.
I feel like i have every right to complain right now, yet i feel whiny. I really just want to have a good cry.
It doesn't help that my three best friends are places that are not here. i need people to help me. the people that help the most can't be here. i'm ready to go to texas, its escaping here.
i want to go to ccc so incredibly badly. U. G. H.

dear things, get better, now.

yes chase coy, yes.

Take me away to january I'm done with this year I tired of everyone here
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home

There's gotta be something else out there for me, I can feel it in my heart the day I started to dream.
There's more than this midwestern town
I can't let this place keep me down
So I tell myself...
There's a girl out on the coast of california, there's a world out there and it's waiting for you and I can hear them calling my name tonight...

Take me away I need the sand and the waves, the sunset, and lets not forget those warm autum days. I just need to get out of here... and vist the coast just to see her.

There's gotta be something else out there for me, I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream. there's more than this midwestern town. I can't let this place keep me down.
So I tell myself...
There's a girl out on the coast of california there's a world out there and it's waiting for you. and I can hear it calling my name tonight...

Well there's a girl out on the coast of california there's a world out there and it's waiting for you, and I can hear it calling my name tonight...

Take me away to january, I'm done with this year. I'm tired of everyone here. I just need sometime alone before I'm ready to come back home...


i love these lyrics, you know, minus the being in love with a girl part. but still, love.

i swear its gotta be easier than this.