recovery time.

my mom used to read this blog.
i'm not even quite sure about how i feel about her being gone now. it hasn't COMPLETELY hit me yet. but life doesn't stop, it never does, not for anyone or anything. i'm still going to go to school, go to college, get married, have kids, live life.
the future has always scared me, but now more than ever. its the fact that i have to do it all without her.
but in a way, its good. i have a different motivation for stuff. i know that now, i'm doing stuff for her, not for me, or anyone else for that matter, just her and God.
because they're sitting up in heaven smiling at me. and i know it <3

its just not fair.

i feel like we're preparing for my mom to die.
i want to silently cling to the hope she's going to be okay, but i feel like she isn't.

i can no longer do this.
i'm letting go of my emotions. crying.
i don't know how i'm going to get through this.

if you care enough about me to read my ramblings on here, its pretty safe to say i love you.
<3

great grandmother died.
mom had an episode.
when is this EVER going to get better?

you told me something i never expected.
and it gave me hope.
<3

tomorrow is fathers day.
i don't think i always realize how much i love my dad.
he does like, everything for me.
and i'm appreciative.
he's been so strong with my mom and everything, i don't know how he does it.
he's gotten no sleep in the last week and he's still concerned about me.
he's such a good man. i love him.

i.
need.
to.
remember.
how.
to.
believe.
in.
you.

mom's getting a little better.
the funeral settled things for me yesterday, now i can accept she's gone.
now i just hope everything will stay calm for a good while.
that, is what i need the most.

i need something to get my mind off of all of it.
i need this summer to be like summer.

like sunshine burning at night, making my life something so beautiful.

like the new title of this blog, i am taking things one day at a time.

i'm praying a lot. hoping that things are going to get better.
i finally fixed things with a few people this weekend. thats going to make things less stressful.
i feel like after this weekend holding grudges is stupid.
what if they die next week? how are you going to feel then?
tell people you love them while you can<3

do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you if there's a god who loves you?

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see


Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

she's gone.

this weekend. i can't even begin to explain.

four o clock. text message. "is kelly campbell dead?"
i didn't know how to answer, because i didn't know. time went on and things began to get more obvious that she really was gone. i've cried the past 24 hours.
we're all a mess. things aren't getting better.
God had to have had a reason for this. i was already struggling and then this.
i'm not sure how we're all going to get through this, but we are.
we're all going to be okay... someday.

r.i.p. kelly, i loved you so much.

it was an extremely long night, but its over, and i feel loved because of the people i was surrounded by.

probably no beach now.
families all coming here.
...its going to be a long weekend.

this should'nt be this complex.
why is this so complex.


everything is so complex.
beach. 2 days.
the living is easy at the beach.
i wish i could go alone, i need to escape all of this crap.
i just need to get out.

i find it astounding that i give up a good bit just to be your friend, and we haven't spoken in a month.
somehow this strikes me as not okay.
the least you could do is give me a reason.
i'm really trying to make things okay with a lot of people for a number of reaons.

mostly because:

tomorrow. isn't. promised.

i changed the way my blog looked, finally, its summer, i thought it might have been time for a change.

summer

two days and its been uneventful thus far.
i'm waiting for summer fun to begin!

...igottahaircutthough.

ignore the fact i look so sketchy, its been a long day.

sometimes i wish it was easy for things to be okay again, but i'm so used to things being not okay, i don't know what going back would do to me.
i'm finding ways to be happy amidst the chaos.
holding hands downtown is good.
school being over is good.
being able to sleep in is great.
blogging for the first time in ever is good.
the beach in 4 days? definitely good.
i'm excited to have a sleepover with jennie on friday, i need to catch up with her.
i just want a donut.
i'm excited at the prospect of a tan, i don't want to get like, mexican, but a tan none the less.
i want to know my french exam grade, but as a result of school skippin, i won't find out for awhile.

i want to get out of here. by myself. and just have a little bit of time where i'm away from everysingle thing that is here.

doing "goodbyes" for the seniors on sunday was really sad. i love all of them, and them being gone is just going to feel like something so big is missing. they say things aren't going to change, but in my heart, i know they will.

thats all the ranting i feel like doing.