Being wanted.

I think being wanted is more of an issue than being loved [by a boy]
For me at least. It's not so much that I want "love" than a feeling of being wanted: someone caring about you. Someone caring about what you were doing tonight. Or who you were going to the dance with. This matters much much more to me. It really does.




By the way everyone. Lamanin is the best thing I've ever heard about.
Youtube: louie giglio on lamanin. It will rock your world.

i can't be strong forever...

Today mom has surgery to put in something that's going to make the chemo easier. I'm glad about that. But really? I'm almost half-surprised that I don't burst into hysterics every day when I think about her.
I love her so so so much.
I can't bear the thought of losing her.
I guess if God brings us to it he is going to bring us through it.

frustration.

i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

could i just get over him? that would make things 10 times easier.
most of the time all i think about is: does he ever think about me?
will he EVER think of me the same way i think about him.

it frustrates me to the enth degree.
everybody around me is falling in love.
maybe its the pollen.
all it does is make me sneeze.
joy to life.

DISCLAIMER:

i'm not who you think i am.

prayer.

my pastor is in the hospital.
she has a tumor on her brain.

my dad talked to someone today whos mom had the exact same type. and she didn't last 6 weeks.

thats one hard concept to wrap your head around.

its been a crap week for news. because my mom didn't get very good results either. she has to go on a lot harder regimen of chemo. which is not good for her system.

to be honest.


i'm terrified.

Tonight was good.

Actually. It was wonderful.

I felt flawlessly gorgeous. I can't explain why. Or how. But really, I did.
The party was wonderful. Period.

Vows.

I vow to...

Love you unconditionally if you give me reason to

Pray to the one who I'll always love and adore.

Be less clingy.

Be a better friend.

Not start rumors.

Be in prayer about my mom all the time. ( I pray you do too. She didn't get very good results today.

All in all-- be a better person than you know
: )

Who we were, who we are, and who we're gonna be.

This statement defines a lot of what I thInk about lately.

I really like who I used to be. I mean, I was reallllly cute kid. And I had that whole innocent thing going on and I did like everything right.

Who I am now? I don't know I can say so much for. Maybe I think of myself a little too negatively, but I realy don't like who I've become. I don't even know who I am. It's to a point where everything that used to be so steadfast is g. o. n. e. I mean, church is still there. And SOME friendships are still there. But middle school has kind of showed me who my friends are. I'm just not sure about anything. My mind is constantly racing about nothing. I don't know. I don't know I don't know.

Who I'm going to be is a real question. Because truthfully? I'm not at all sure.
Is anybody?

My legs are on fire. I hate hate hate running. I'm to a point where I just want to chop them off.
I saw my pictures today and they were complete love. They were perfect in every single way. Sarah is amazing with anything she does, why am I surprised.

Only two more sleeps til jennies party. Woo hoo!

Today sucked. End of story

It started out bad and let's face it. Went downhill from there.
In gym we had to run a mile. Which- let's face it- I DONT run. I'm convinced I have asthma but when I told my mom that and she laughed at me and told me Im a hypocondriac. I'm not all that happy with her. I couldn't breathe for 30 minutes after the test. Plus it's allergy season which makes it worse.

There was so much more that went wrong today. But I'm too tired to write it.
Tomorrow will be better. I'm convinced

Searching...

I've had this... Odd thing lately. I'm different. I don't know how and I for sure don't know why. But I know it's affected some relationships. And I don't want those to change.

I love all of my friends. This insanity has got to stop.

LOL!

It bothers the poop out of me when people say LOL when in fact you know they aren't laughing out loud. Especially in every sentence or say it at the end of every text message. It just takes the meaning away from "LOL" I'd much rather you say: "haha" or just plain "that's funny."

Church was really good tonight. I LOVE my youth group. They really are helping me get through this rough patch.

I reek of chlorine

I want some sleep. It won't come. Today has been a HUGE roller coaster of emotions. For some strange reason. Showering with sunburn is one of the least appealing things ever. I can't wait for church tomorrow. It seems to solve things

Hmmm...

I'm reading this book. And I found this..


"the thing about chameleoning your way through life is that it gets to where nothing is real."

I thought this was a mostly fitting description for the past few years of my life.

Things are looking up..

Today I was at a golf lesson with a 16 year old (hot) northern dude and a 13 year old British guy. We were sitting at the table and the sixteen year old,Stephen, asks where I'm from. I tell him North carolina and he goes "alright, so we've got cup of tea(british accent) and sweet tea(southern accent)" I thought it was hilarious. And it for sure made my day.
We laid out at the pool and did some karaoke! Then went to teen mini golf with kids from the resort. It was fun and I got great arcade game prizes including a white bear with a shirt on that says "angel" so yay for that.

Also, for lunch we went to the salty dog cafe which is a huge thing down here and ate there and got t-shirts. Frankly, I was happy with my piggly wiggly t-shirt. But hey? What's another t-shirt... And dad was buying. :)

Tomorrow is outlet shopping and I was informed today there are now hollister and abercrombie outlets which will greatly improve my deficit for summer pants.

Pray for my pastor who had a surgery today on her brain...

LOVE.

Ugh.

I know this is completely irrelevant. But I don't know, maybe not. I can't stand people who are... Rude. They bother the heck out of me. I just wish there was a world where everyone was just nice. I want that. Bad.

Hilton head is where the heart is.

Seriously? I LOVE this place.
My sister and I plan on doing nothing more than swimming, scootering, and taking pictures. Eating maybe--not sure yet.
Oh and we are doing this teen movie night. In which we go with other teens to eat and see a movie. I'm planning on becoming friends with attrative boys. For sureeee.

He is risen.

Tomorrow is Easter, one of my favorite holidays. I used to think all it was was a holiday where we got up early to go to church, then opened Easter baskets, dressed in pretty dresses then went to church again.
It's so much more now. It really helps when you know the concept of the holiday. Well I have to get up at 6:15 to go to sunrise service tomorrow. So until then,
LOVE.

Things I've been thinking about.

1.relationships are like candles. They always burn out. whether it ends in breakup,divorce,or death, it's always going to end. The flame is the highest and most excited at the beginning then gets less energetic as time moves on.

2. Cussing makes you sound extremely ignorant. Especially while saying 3 and 4 of them in every sentence. There really is no point in cussing. Even though I've always wondered what's wrong with them. They're just words.

3. I started writing this blog for other people. Now I just write it for myself and other people are welcome to read.

4.tonight all I needed was a hug and no one was there to give me one.

I'm sick and tired of it.

You act like your my best friend one day. Then are so mean to me the next why would you do this to me? I wanted this to work,

So just stop. For my sake.

i'm extremely exhausted

but yesterday was wonderful.

i got to see my sarah in her play which she was wonderful... of course.

but anywho. i must get off to school...

i already missed the freaking bus.

give it back.

i want my innocence back.
its gone.
i mean, not like that. but i'm not that little girl that thinks that there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or that spirits go to heaven, not actual people. i just want that back. where everything was so simple. where we didn't have to worry about things like homework and boys.

i want it back.

please?